American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
This Show's Been Too Long For Too Long

Which means the third spot is going to either Ju'Not or Jorge, which is fantastic because they were already fighting the battle of Who Could Make You Care Less. There's talk of "Delilah" and how it was less horrible than getting slugged in the nuts with a hardcover copy of The Satanic Verses, while Jorge babbled in Spanish and cried until he was patronized to death by Kara and Paula. Ryan does the whole, "You'll find out..." and they pretend to be mad, and then he goes, "...right now. Jorge." Who babbles in Spanish and cries, because that's what he does. I hate this goddamn show. Von claps, but his eyes are like, "Fucking seriously."

Wild Cards! Standing upstairs in the red room we have Jackie Fucking Tohn, Sex Hick Brent, Jesse acting less weird, Matty G in some sort of military jacket, Megan Corkrey, Bear Porn, Jasmine, Nick Mitchell, Anoop, Ricky B and Tatiana. Which is eleven people, plus I guess a couple from tonight, I'm guessing Von and Ju'Not, who will be singing tomorrow... Nope, it's all of the people on the couch: Nate, Kristen, Von, both Silvers, doomed Arianna, Kendall and Ju'Not, and Alex Alex Alex. So that's 20 people? In an hour, on Thursday, somehow 20 people will be whittled down to three. But wait, there are more shocks to come apparently.

Okay. Well, Bear Porn and Brent are out because of Sarver. Ricky B, Arianna, the other Silver, and Alex are out because of reality and its ways. Anoop is almost certainly in, and I have a good feeling about Jasmine. Jesse, Megan, Kristen and Taylor essentially cancel each other out, but one of them might get through. I would rather have Jackie than almost any of these people -- but especially Kristen, of course -- and I feel like Jackie might get through just because she's awful, and because she's a professional and very talented, which puts her over the edge compared to everybody. I really do have my fingers crossed for Tatiana and/or Nick, which shows how far we've come, and I was about to say "one but not both" when I realized that, if Alex has no chance (and he doesn't), we might as well have both of their asses to make up for it. Who's left? Kendall and Matt G have their Carrie and Elliott niches, respectively, and Ju'Not has more of a chance than I'd like. Nate and Von I can't get a read on at all and I'm well too biased to be smart about it, but I honestly think Von has a decent chance.

Oh, okay. So now those 20 people will be whittled down to eight, who will sing tomorrow night. Ryan's like, "Simon, why is this fucking Byzantine?" Simon explains that J. Hud and Clay are thanks to Wild Card, and this year the song choices were especially "stupid" or contestants were screwed by being in really hard groups, like with a blind guy or Adam Lambert. Amazingly, he reveals that they changed one of them over this commercial break. Barring his tempestuous romance with Ryan Seacrest, that's, like, the most transparent he's ever been! I wonder if it hurt.

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American Idol




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