American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
This Show's Been Too Long For Too Long

Ryan's rocking the black suit/black necktie look tonight, and moving things right along, so I'm sure something crazy is scheduled. Paula looks pretty and slightly nuts in a flowy one-shouldered blue gown, while in the risers Nathaniel looks like he's got a concussion. We revisit the Top 12ers to date, and then remember how blind Scott is, and the terrible clothing and hair choices of Nate. I guess the lack of image consultation notes they've given him mean something horrible, like there's just no hope for him anyway. I suppose that's a kindness, but maybe it's more of a walk-before-you-run deal. I'm looking forward to tonight because it means -- barring Wild Card, which I used to have a handle on and now find completely confusing -- no more Kristen ever.

First up we're going to group sing -- mostly seated, because of the Scott factor -- a Katy Perry song, "Hot & Cold," which is the third Katy Perry single that has to do with boys and girls and boys who like girls who do boys like they're girls and reinforcing gender stereotypes while congratulating itself on not doing that. Let's talk about Katy Perry for a second. I actually heard this cover of "Electric Feel" that she did, and it was totally lovely. She has a wonderful voice under all that bullshit, which makes me hate her more and not less. It's not even the horrific Diablo Cody/Betty Page cute/burlesque crap, although they do contribute to the overall '90s-ness of her, which is admittedly yucky.

The problem is that, just like this show is not so much about selling your soul as speculating against the real estate market of the place your soul would normally be located, Katy Perry took a pretty face and a fantastic voice and leveraged them against this stupid-ass dead-end offensive gender stuff: "You change your mind like a girl changes clothes" tells you everything you need to know about Katyworld, where men have minds and girls have clothes, and girls only kiss girls to impress guys because they are drunk. It's not even a one-trick pony, it's just a trick, and a cautionary tale for these kids, who have not even begun to sell out yet. Katy Perry is to sexuality what Gwen Stefani is to racial equality.

Since there are 12 of these bitches, the recap of last night is like 20,000 years long, but we already did that. I mean, I'm watching it because of the magic of Alex, but I don't think we need to talk about it any more than we already did. Last night's recap was fun to write, but I already lost two hours to this shit. Fast forward.

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American Idol




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