American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
The Major Lift

One thing that the Top Three have in common is that they are all sort of awkward and weird, like those kids on the Mountain Dew ad that are so excited to be video blogging they've forgotten to shower. They all three of them just duck their heads and smile uncertainly no matter what Ryan is saying to them. It's uncomfortable... Ew! Colin Hanks. That face!

Ryan's ramping up his skin tone for bikini weather and we've reached that stage where his hair and his face are sort of the same color, like a homeless person. Apparently I've just got nothing nice to say about anybody tonight. And you know what they say, "If you don't have anything nice to say about anybody, probably Idol is nearing the end of the season."

"Okay, It's All Right By Me," says the filthy matted dipshitty hairdo we call Casey. What is that? A song. Why does he love it? Because it's like he could have written it. Which I am sure is true, and cannot wait to hear... Yep: You know how like Jack Johnson or Jason Mraz? Or that thing of like Ben Folds? Team Ben Folds how there are guitars, borrow Carmen Sassafrass's jiggledy-piggledy vocal stylings, and you've got this ridiculously pointless carbon copy of a song. Casey's face looks real gross tonight, like I feel sorry for him in a way I never have before. Like, Maroulis things have happened. And stupid Casey being like, "This song is the most perfect possible expression of myself as 'an artist'," and he says those words like he's never heard them until this show. I'm sure that's true about a lot of words. Get off my TV, I'm begging you. You and Jackson take what should merely be a chore and turn it into a labor.

Ah well. I'm sure he gets a lot of tail somehow. Jackson: "That was just 'all right' with me too," like it's so ironic and clever; Ellen searches for something interesting to say too, fails at great length; Kara hates him for picking a totally boring song... The bottom line is that they wonder why he's not even fucking trying, and he purses his creepy lips and fake-smiles like he's on a Bicycle playing card, which is his version of being bitchy. Simon goes, "This is arguably the most important night of your life," and goes on to list in detail how he fucked it up, which is: He fucked it up real good.

Basically, stupid annoying song choice, and the fact that he sounded moderately good doesn't really apply to this situation. Ryan reminds them that Casey's doing two numbers tonight, they're all doing two songs tonight, but it's hard to figure out who cares less about that, the Judgery or the Casey. I think the season is just maybe two weeks too long, of this show. I think Casey is just demonstrating the soulless hollowed-out ennui that we're all feeling on our insides, but on his outsides. Also through song.

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American Idol




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