American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
A Dingo Ate Your Gokey

Ryan spares a few seconds on mourning Didi before Ellen names her favorite Lennon/McCartney songs: "Blackbird" (of course), "Michelle," "Come Together," "Daytripper," "Across The Universe," and of course perennial favorite "Party In The USA." She's already looking tired of this shit. Kara, as a songwriter, tells us that the songs are meaningful and relevant -- that arguably they are among the best melodies ever created. Simon agrees that the songs are awesome -- although Randy thinks we'll see some highs and lows -- and he thinks that the whole "artistry" thing here is going to be sticky, because some songs can take a beating and other ones can't. I just hope Andrew eats gravel. That's literally all I want.

First up is Aaron Kelly, who as the gay A-Fed will obviously be singing no doubt something from the "Michelle"/"If I Fell" cheesy Early Beatles end of the spectrum. My least favorite Beatles thing, which sucks because it's like 60% of the total oeuvre. Although you know, he does try that country shit every week, so he might do something more troubadourish and strummy. I would die to hear him sing "Norwegian Wood." I hope somebody sings "Norwegian Wood." I've always loved that song a great deal, because it's... Pretty much the story of my conception. (Thanks, TMI Mom!) Being something of a giant ho myself, I've always found that story very romantic.

"Simon, Be Nice!" posters, complete with baby pictures of Ryan. If anything will remind you to be wonderful in all aspects of life, it's Ryan. He's always watching! Big Mike tells us Aaron has Jedi Mind Tricks, and Katie explains that they call him Yoda, and mock everything that he says with a Yoda voice. There's a pretty phenomenal montage of him doing Yoda things -- floating in the air meditating courtesy of Mike, summoning a Coke can (COCA-COLA! TASTES GOOD IN YOUR MOUTH!) with mental power -- and then they all bring it back to talk about how he really is like Yoda, because he's so powerful and strange.

"The Long & Winding Road" is his pick, so yeah. It's nice to know we're getting a handle on them. The arrangement is amazingly OTT-cheesy, like if David Archuleta got caught between the moon and New York City. Sadly, his voice can't compete with the bombastic arrangement, and shit gets real Star Search real fast. Flat, tone's all wavery, just terrible. You know, between the title and o'erweening influence of Dancing With The Stars, and this whole bullshit 3-D revolution, it was already feeling pretty Early '80s in America, but this is just unconscionable. I hope he wins the night, I really do. That shit was sickening.

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American Idol




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