American Idol
Hope You Find A Lot Of Nice Things To Wear

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: C+ | 1 USERS: A
YOU GRADE IT
For The Love Of Money (And Vonzell's Daddy)
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Tuesday

Last week, Scott Savol left, but the whole thing with Corey and Paula was going on, so he didn't even get to do the Buffalo Bill's Wild West show on the daytime circuit. Well, he did, but sometimes it's a huge deal and sometimes it's a moderately huge deal, and Scott got neither of those kinds of deals. Jeez, Constantine's week after being eliminated was like a debutante ball. Poor Scott cannot catch a break. Even Ryan starts off saying six different things while actually saying none of them: "Well," he grins, "that's what happens when you lose a guy like Scott Savol…people talk." And he's heavily indicating the Paula/Corey Clark thing when he says this. Which, I mean, I was glad to see Scott go, but that's harsh. Now he's the punchline of a joke which is itself about how irrelevant he is? He's as irrelevant as…Scott Savol? Which, for this month at least, is actually more irrelevant than Corey Clark, and that's just ugly.

So Simon hugs Paula, since we're all on the same page here, subtextually, and she giggles, still at Scott's expense even though he has less than nothing to do with this, and then Simon and Randy cheer for Paula and everybody cheers for Paula and the guys point at Paula and it's amazing, Paula blows kisses at the crowd, there are, like, streamers and tickertape and there's a pony, clomping around on the risers, and then a 132-piece brass band comes marching in full regalia and there's a majorette doing the choreography from "The Way That You Love Me" out front, with bright red feathers and negative 15% body fat and a black bodysuit and a 100-watt smile, and the song that they're playing is a newly-commissioned composition by Philip Glass entitled "You're Not A Pedophile If He's Twenty-Two," and then they name her Queen of Popularity and give her a jet plane in her favorite shade of lavender, plus a pet snow tiger kitten, with which she can communicate telepathically, and she also gets to eat cold pizza and ice cream for breakfast every day for the rest of her life because she's that popular and wholesome: she just thinks a saintly, chronically pained thought and the pounds slide right off.

Ryan says Simon thinks this cheering and freaking out is actually about him, because he's the Queen of Something, but we're not sure what yet, and then Bo looks super-fine, back on last Wednesday. Ryan pulls out a huge cardboard U.S. of A. and shows how they are going to be singing two songs, a sonic road trip if you will, starting in Nashville, with "a little bit of country." Then their rather short two-pointed "trip" will end in Philadelphia, with "The Sound of Philly," which is the songs of Gamble and Huff, who we'll meet a little later, but you know them already: "Me & Mrs. Jones," "Love Train," that kind of thing. See, so now you know what Philly sounds like. Then, because there aren't too many contestants left and the filler providers are running out of ideas, the kids fight over the cardboard prop map, and Ryan points out that it cost 150 bucks, back on fake last Wednesday.

Also, for the first round of singing, the contestants will get to see cute, supportive, loving, generic video footage of their family members egging them on -- that is, rooting for them -- while in the second round, they'll have to watch themselves on deeply icky gigantic video doing the same thing in reverse. Yuck. I love having my picture taken, maybe more than anything on earth, but if you tape me getting snotty and teary and having feelings and then threaten to show it on the TV? They will never find your body.

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American Idol

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