American Idol
Hollywood: The End

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
"If I Were Bikini Kill I Would ______ You Right Now!"

A bunch of people cried and that one awful girl wouldn't stop yelling at Ellen and making an ass of herself. I can't imagine anything more embarrassing in this entire world. I would kill myself if I so much as dropped like a receipt on the sidewalk in front of Ellen. Even if I noticed immediately and picked it up, I would still feel terrible about how Ellen almost saw me litter.

Thad is still in agony, seven people made it through and so we talk about them some more, and have to see Katelyn's horrible outfit one more time, and then a bunch of people praying, and Tim is I think bitching about how he wishes he was the first in there just so he could find out -- And speaking of, guess who finally friended me on Facebook? I'll give you two hints: 1) He is mentally ill and 2) I am in love with him -- and we join Janell, mid-"American Boy," where Simon admitted that he didn't really remember her, and then the crummy Group Day and flat-as-fuck final solo, which ashamed her totally. I can't wait for her to get through and be all pretty some more. Ellen tries to impress upon her that yes, this stupid show is stressful, but also shit happens constantly that she has yet to find out the sad truth about, then kind of loses track of what she's saying to Janell, and finally puts her through. Girl #4.

They have really found a chemistry winner with this "Ellen dicks them around" thing. I mean, it's getting old, but it was already old because this show has been on the air for sixteen years and they've always done it. I mean, I would rather have cute Ellen doing it than Randy's stuttering weird ass. Janell tells Ryan "If I were Bikini Girl I would kiss you right now!" and then his testicles retract all the way back over the Bering Strait, then Janell says she doesn't give a fuck about her day job. Each part of that is pretty awesome.

Tyler Grady is very sexy when he sings, but then turns back into a little child when he's done singing. He's like Shazam, only it's uncomfortable. Also uncomfortable is Kara crawling all over his crazy-looking face and talking about his "moves" and he explains that he studies rock performance videos for "moves," and then sort of offers to fuck Kara unconscious, and Kara says that's great and that he is Boy #5. Then he does the fakeout thing, but in a totally better way where he comes out and shakes Ryan's hand instead of screaming or pretend-crying, and even Ryan is impressed.

Coming up: Some terrifying-looking trashy girl makes it to the Chair for the second time, and Crystal goes into labor and gives birth to her sixth bastard right there on the Chair so they will put her through, and I just bet they do, because this season babies are sooo magical!

Babies are the new dead people.

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American Idol




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