American Idol
Hollywood: Sudden Death

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
All The Good That Won't Come Out

The most talent we've ever seen! Double the people of Hollywood Week! I hope that doesn't mean we gloss over the horrors of watching the slow breakdown of each and every brain. On the other hand, there's 100% more Steven Tyler pulling focus and upstaging, and then Randy Jackson pulling his version of that on top of that, so let's see what happens. There is nothing to compare with the thrill of Hollywood Week, regardless.

327 people with their hearts on their sleeves, all carrying guitar cases and living the dream. Who are they? We won't have met them. Some, we never will. Some, we shall rue. A man in a hat calls it heartwrenching; Picklerface breathing hard; some cute boy worrying at his worry like a little doggie.

Round One as usual: Sudden death, lines of ten, singing individually without feedback. Half of them cut immediately.

First lineup: Brett Loewenstern, with his crazy voice, looking nervous like he's going to stagedive onto his head, to the point where everybody cheers for him. Which is nice, because if you remember his life has been a neverending horror storm of social torture, because he is too special for Muggles and should be followed by an elite guard everywhere he goes so that nothing is ever bruised. He sings "Let It Be" with a good deal less tone than he had before, but compared to how much worrying is written all over his skinny self, he does well. Randy: "Aw, I love that kid."

Blonde girl Symphony (?) and Brett step forward -- J. Lo already crying -- and then they're the only two that go. He starts into a sort of YouTubish haters gonna hate/brain-slushy video about how he is a Victim No More, and then sheds his negativity and gets real grateful, real fast. That's my boy. Personally I'm just grateful they got him out of the way first thing, because I was sweating that shit. I presume however that it means they're saving Durbin for the end, because Idol never gives with both hands.

Next through: The formerly presumed-awful Rachel Zevita, who sings awesome and may have grown into it finally this year. Thia from Milwaukee, with her deep tone. Casey Wonderful Abrams lookin' like a sweater-wearing Teddy Ruxpin as usual, less one melodica.

Next lineup: Victoria Huggins, the insane gigglebot bon mot machine that freaked everybody's bean and apparently possesses neither an off button nor a finite number of teeth... And then, just she and two other people get kicked out! Wow, I was already preparing myself spiritually for her. There's a little bit of the madness in her rage for just a second, and then the smile pastes itself back on with a vicious violence, and she and her giant family bounce. Ryan makes fun of her eleven-bag luggage train, which is meet and good, and then I guess we'll see her next year. Perhaps she will have turned into Ryan Starr by then. Or grown a couple McPhees.

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American Idol




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