American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
"I Saw An Evil! In Her Eyes!"

Group night! The night for which we wait all year: tears, triumphs, and tragedies! Cursing and cuties! Foolishness and freaking out! Sabotage and the supercilious! Exhaustion and emotional volatility! People thinking they know best even though they don't!

9 PM, Kodak Theatre. 107 sleepy kids, including Rose and Nathaniel and a bunch of other people, forty contestants lighter than when Hollywood started. We're not even getting started on this until 9? I hope they starved them and made them run laps around the theatre too, so they can get started going nuts even earlier than usual.

They show all the people getting into groups, and just like every year it's shaking granola: all the people of the right qualities find each other. The big granola at the top is like: Awful Emily, the Osmond, blind guy, Von, Castro, those two blonde guys with six names between them. Then there's the unpolished granola like Rose, or this cute southern guy who can't find a group. Then there's the troubled granola like Nathaniel and Tatiana.

Nate Marshall is in a group with one of those awful faux-nurturing girls who acts like a stepmom in order to assert herself without doing so. This will bite her in the ass later, but mostly I just can't stand that shit. Her hair is multicolored, always a red flag, although not as multicolored as it was at her audition. She kisses her hands and then beats them against his head and yell at him not to be scared. Of course, the one person on earth asking for this bullshit is Headband Nate, so whatever, but it's still obnoxious. Try that shit with me, you'll draw back a stump.

Tatiana wanders around pulling at her skirt psychotically and talking to herself. Everybody pretends that they're too busy to even notice her standing there and being weird, with weird sleeves and crazy makeup. A couple of other people wander around trying to figure out a way they can advertise that they are not Tatiana.

One girl I sort of remember -- Meghan? -- awkwardly approaches a group of girls. They can't decide whether to Mean Girl her or not until they hear her sing, so they're just minorly standoffish -- "we can make it work, I guess" -- which sort of goes south on them when she asks what they'll be singing and they have to admit they don't know. So the whole act about massively retooling their set in order to accommodate her ungrouped ass was just sort of them being dicks, because they met up with each other six seconds ago. Pretty much anybody who says they've already got a firm group going at this point is being a dick, or making assumptions based on appearances, that may or may not be founded.

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American Idol




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