American Idol
Hollywood: Group Night

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
"That Teapot's Spreadin' Lies About Me!"

What are we down to now? It's still like 126 people or something for Group Night, right?

Mary Powers. Brittenums. All kinds of sensory memory exercises so you remember how great this is going to get, and Ryan's being all, "This is the most intense shit you have ever seen." I'm so glad this show understands why Group Night is as good as it gets. It's like watching Intervention and Glee at the same time.

There are twenty songs and a bunch of people have broken out into their groups already, but somebody realized that the Day 1 people from last week had an advantage over the Day 2 people, because they naturally started practicing immediately. So the rule is that each group must contain both kinds of people, which is a shortcut to the Stanford Experiment because Day 1 people are the prison guards and Day 2 people are the inmates. God, this is a great idea. I hope it gets really gross.

Molly DeWolf Swensen is not feeling it; of course, Brett just wants to get everybody okay, and then the boy they find for their group vanishes, just wanders away. Brett smacks gum and acts weird and finally some girl joins their group: It is called the Sugar Mamas. Probably Brett made that up.

That terrible Tiffany troll from Jersey who pissed off the gays last week is now telling us how she could be in any group she wants, because she is the finest musician in the history of music, and also a professional choreographer. One amazing boy is like, he just holds up his hand when she approaches: "No." She laughs about whether he's being serious and he's like, "I am totally being serious: You are the worst." This is my new favorite boy.

She finds her way over to the deep-voiced Woody doll Scotty and for real expresses her sympathies that he did not get to hear her sing the day she pissed everybody off. He goes, "Um, sing a song right now then." She says that's not the Rules and she is a creature like no other and why should she have to audition for him, and he just goes, "I don't really need this right now." Then she sings at him and it's pretty awesome, and pretty much offers him a blowjob, but the funny thing about this kid is probably, that happens a lot. So he runs away and he's like, "Y'all" -- to the camera -- "Y'all, she was crazy! I just want to make it through the next round.

Tiffany then goes to the girl who saved Brett's group's bacon by being Day 2, and convinces her somehow to run away with her to a trashy casbah. "She hot! I love hot people," is the kind of shit Tiffany says. Brett worries because the Sugar Mamas need somebody gifted, and they talk about how they don't want to be poachers, but so then they immediately proceed to Scotty's group -- which is also the group of the awesome boy who gave Tiffany the hand -- and try to poach Scott.

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American Idol




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