American Idol
Hollydidn't, Paulashouldn't

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Jacob Clifton: C | Grade It Now!
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Hollydidn't

It's 30 minutes later and the cowboys are practicing, and the Brittenums are back, they apologize, nobody cares, Simon thinks they're a fucking joke, which they are, and they for some reason get through. But do not fret! The cowboys come in and everybody cheers, because they love them and then they sing the "Doo-Wah Ditty" song, the only song stupider than "Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch," and it is a shambles. Michael doesn't know the words and has a nice voice, but you can't really tell due to the singing over each other in an ugly fashion and the disconcertingly creepy way each of them is dancing and the fact that they all sing the song horribly. Garet's the worst, singing with his eyes closed like that little girl in Palindromes. Joe R: "Shoulda had a tracheotomy." Jacob: "And not sucked."

Simon stresses hatefully for the seeming ten minutes they sing, and Garet is so nervous, it's sickening. It's entirely a joke. Finally Simon stops them, and Paula laughs, and the crowd laughs hysterically and Matthew makes some kind of joke about how he was about to "do the hip thrusts" and maybe he'll just do those later, and Simon levels. "In a few months' time you will look back and wonder why you blew the opportunity of a lifetime by trying to be bad comedians." Michael begs to differ, like that's better, but Simon compares it to a "just ridiculous, ghastly party with drunken people trying to entertain an audience that isn't interested," which is apt. He's so angry with them! He dismisses them summarily and then Paula kisses her co-judges, narrowly missing Randy's soon-to-be-declared "luscious" lips.

Outside, Michael cries and talks totally crazy: "It makes me angry, what Simon said up there. I get it, it's only one Idol, dude. But it's America...I feel like we got that bond." I don't know what that means, but Matthew agrees, and then delivers a moving speech about how Garet is an inspiration, and they both get weepy about how much they love Garet, and then Garet tries to climb Matthew as they're all crying, apologizing for letting them down, and Matthew wraps himself around the kid and whispers quietly, "Listen, cowboy, you didn't let me down. You did the best you could." Garet is very, very small, and Matthew is very large, and both guys love Garet more than reason should allow. There then detonates a Hobbit-loving sex bomb that is completely above-board and sweet and kind and good, but also awesome to watch at home. Garet is shown leaving the hotel in a neckerchief, carrying a hat box, and yammers at the camera for awhile, and then they all walk off down the street together, probably still crying.

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American Idol

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