American Idol
Hollydidn't, Paulashouldn't

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Jacob Clifton: C | Grade It Now!
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Hollydidn't

Marcy Smith (28, LA) is...amazing...but I can't hear her singing, due to her body, which is moving around an awful lot for a person who is standing still. She is smoking hot and she knows it, but she's also totally talented and smart and cool. Bye, Marcy! Brenna Gether (25, Mt Vernon NY) is horrible some more with her crap, acting out the song and showboating around and mugging for the camera and slapping her own ass at one point. Nick Whitten (28, Anderson SC) is...he has supremely jacked-up teeth, but is a very funny and nice guy and good-looking guy nonetheless. Paula tells Marcy she "lost the words," and Marcy admits that they had a tough night. It was a difficult group to be in, there were some "difficult personality issues." I don't know if it's because I like her so much, or hate Brenna so much, but this kind of thing usually annoys me so much, and it doesn't here. I mean, nobody can make you memorize a song, or not, so it's bull, but if you're going in with performance anxiety due to the fact that Brenna might freak out or pull a random ass-slap, you might forget more words than you would otherwise.

To her credit, I strongly do not think, Brenna immediately jumps in about how she is the prenominate personality issue, that she's "the Simon of the group," and this reaches the brain in Paula's tail and not her head brain, and her tail brain is the one that likes Simon cracks, even though that is not what this is, so she praises Brenna for admitting that, when in fact what she admitted was that she screwed up her group basically on purpose, and this has nothing to do with Simon. She gives another goddamn speech. Whence this? Was there some terribly focal speech last year in Hollywood that I'm not remembering that would cause so many people to spontaneously orate all over us like this?

"This is American Idol with an L, not an S or a Z -- it's not American Idolz -- and in this business, as we all know, there are some people that you just cannot get along with. Nobody likes Donald Trump, nobody likes Simon Cowell, nobody likes Martha Stewart, but they're all rolling in the dough. It's as simple as that. I wanna be like them." Okay, I admit that the fiscal argument is a sound one, but the first part of that statement, it gives me pause. Because what I think she's saying here is that the proof of her business and professional acumen, as we all know, apparently, is obvious due to the fact that she behaves like an unprofessional and immature child with a rage disorder and a scorching case of the Assholes. (Never mind the fact that yes, nobody likes Donald Trump, but I am living proof that she's wrong about the other two.) Or maybe her point is that she is functionally illiterate. It's worked out before. Simon laughs himself silly about this, because it is admittedly awesome, and she allows that some people do like him. "Nick," Simon giggles, "you have probably had the worst 24 hours of your life." He gets through and laughs the loudest about this. "Brenna and Marcy, you will probably be sad to know...that you are going to be working together again tomorrow." Brenna is obnoxious and gets herself all over Marcy to show that she is a good sport, and Marcy looks like she might vomit. Brenna then pretends to lick her. It is idiotic and gross. Randy: "Look at her!" Fucking NO!

Then there is a thing, a movie parody of sorts, about...aw, hell. Okay, Garet the Turkey Singer is kind of a cowboy, right? And there's this violently sexy dude Sars is in love with named Matthew Buckstein, and he's a cowboy. And there's Michael Evans, who is black, but has a cowboy hat. Right? And Garet, while there are more pressing concerns at issue, seems to be pretty gay, for a preschooler, but will probably never know that, because he lives in the kind of solitude that normally results in Chainsaw Massacres, chromosomal shenanigans, farm animal sex. So. Cowboys: some gay, all prone to crying. In the winter of 2006. About one hundred months previous, a movie came out (hopefully in a theatre near you -- it's a damn fine movie -- but if it didn't, it's not going to, and you should move anyway) that involved cowboys who were somewhat gay in that they fell in total gay love with each other. One of them was really controlling and ruined everybody's life around him for like forty years without even opening his mouth or talking above a palsied, brain-stroke-looking mumble, and the other one was Donnie Darko and was totally asking for it. So what does this have to do with American Idol? Good question. Garet and a turkey, and then Matt and Michael fell in love with his weird little Hobbit ass, and none of them have their act together at all. That's basically the joke. If you just heard of Brokeback Mountain last week, I guess it might be funny -- although it would still make little sense -- but you didn't, so it's not, so we're moving on.

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American Idol

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