American Idol
Hollydidn't, Paulashouldn't

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Jacob Clifton: C | Grade It Now!
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Hollydidn't

Group two, which is the Anthony and Sway group, has been practicing and listening to Brittenum bitching. Cute Anthony's got some really ungood facial hair happening that I don't remember from last night, but at least his voice is nasally up in Adam Levine's nasal. Elliott seems like a nice kid, but his teeth are really troubling, and he is yelly, and he dances like a spastic, and he pronounces lyrics in a somewhat bizarre, affected Chris Daughtry way. Brittenum sings "silky" backgrounds, and when he gets up front he dances like a prat. Like an insane jerk-off idiot, although his voice has more qualities than it usually does. Sway is the best vocally by one standard -- Elliott's the best overall -- because it's a really great, really distinctive thing that I can see not working for a lot of people. Also he does not know the words -- always a problem. But really, the problem is awful Brittenum, who fucks up the words worse, and just hides it better.

After they are stopped, the schoolmarm gives a speech. "Can I say something? Well, um, some of us decided, when we got to the hotel, to go to sleep... So me and Anthony stayed up until 5:30 in the morning [Anthony makes a cute face here] trying to salvage something that we couldn't salvage. ['My dignity.'] I got up at 7:30 and went down to the breakfast area in my shorts, shirt, and socks, so I wouldn't be late, to try to salvage another rehearsal...and they wanted to eat breakfast!" Simon asks if he's saying that he was somehow let down by Sway and Elliott, and Elliott floats the concept that he is actually trashing them, which Elliott does not appreciate. Randy explains that Elliott was actually the best of the four -- to loud cheers -- and Brittenum fights the judges for a million years, and Simon reminds him that he forgot the lyrics and calls him "terrible," says it was a "horrible performance altogether"...and then puts everybody but Anthony through. I guess the curse is still in effect. I mean, I know he didn't sing very well, but I still take it personally -- plus, like, I don't know I could be in tip-top for with freaking Brittenum up on my jock screeching for almost 24 hours. The judges mention Elliott's awful dancing, but not the total meth he's on. What about that?

Outside, after a quick flash to Brittenum telling Anthony to "just let him talk," Brittenum straight-facedly tells us that actually, the whole problem was Anthony, because he was tone-deaf and bringing them all down. Brittenum -- this is how crazy his ass is -- honestly thinks this is the truth and in fact is what he's been trying to tell us all along. Elliott stands behind him, and at this shitty about-face, kind of wrinkles up in disgust, and it's fairly funny and likeable, because: dude. Imagine you actually had something riding on this jackass.

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American Idol

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