American Idol
Hollydidn't, Paulashouldn't

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: C | Grade It Now!

Room One: Gina Glockson, Tyra and Nicole Turk, the Fit Model looking sad and beautiful. Simon comes in leading the other two and when he asks if he should just tell them, Gina nods sadly. "You haven't made it. Tough." Nicole nods, the mean girl with lips is sad. "Sorry. It's-been-nice-to-meet-you." This last like a robot. Some blonde girl drops to the floor, and later she will be totally classy, and so profane her mom will apologize to the camera and get her out of there. Room Two: Brenna, Gedeon, the albino girl, Sway, Mandisa, Becky, Chris Daughtry, that guy who sang all week last week -- Patrick Hall? -- and they get through, and Chris freaks out on Paula. Simon leaves because he has a U.K. appointment but he wanted to at least tell the one room they didn't get through.

Room Three: Taylor and Megan with the Kelis hair, and Kat McPhee, and a Brittenum and Taylor Hicks. Ryan points out that being in a room with a Brittenum is bound to make you think you're screwed, because they're so awful and so clearly not going to be on the show. April Walsh is there, and Stevie, and David Radford, and Elliott. Paula looks really beautiful in this room. They get through and Taylor acts weird yet again, and April almost loses it. Paris is in there -- I missed her at first because she is bitsy. Some girl almost passes out. The Brittenum hugs Paris but doesn't really take in the triumph because he's worried about his brother. I've given up on telling them apart because they are both awful in the exact same way. Room Four: Ryan points out that they've heard cheering twice, so they know it's over. The other Brittenum, Will Makar, Kevin Covais, Kellie Pickler, Ace Young, Nick W. Randy: "We said half of you were going home; we already let one room go home." Ace is sad. Paula's like, "Not a good day for you...but anyways, congratulations!" She sing-songs the last word like when my brother John-John had his root canal and came home and explained his plan to run around the house eleven times and then write a story about, quote, "The best motherfucking elephant trainer [he] ever met." Will Makar cries, of course, and hugs Randy, and can't stop talking.

All three rooms, the 44 people, converge and have a big hugging party, and it's nice because they're so happy for each other and all, but also, from this side of the screen? Like, stop screaming. Because even in the midst of everybody's dreams coming true, Brittenum needs to interject some personal fucking drama and freak a bunch of people out, he flips and freaks about whether his stupid brother made it, and stares longingly across the crowd, waiting for someone to ask him what's going on. But they aren't going to, because they're celebrating, because it's about them, and not him, and his stupid brother. My friend Andrea: "Is he going to have a speech again?" He sees his brother and starts wailing and bawling immediately. Like I fucking care. They wade through the crowd toward each other and almost make out, but hug at the last second. Barf.

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American Idol




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