American Idol
Girls: Top 24

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: C- | Grade It Now!
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Come On, Baby, And Rescue Me...Or Whatever

Quoth Ryan, "The level of talent is higher..." I believe that, having seen half of them last night. I can honestly say that I enjoyed the Top Twelve Guys episode more than I have ever personally enjoyed an episode of this show. Which is really subjective, of course, but it does make me more interested in where this season's going -- and whether I'm going to love the ladies as much as I did most of the boys last night. And also, they all have the flu or something. Except Amanda, who always looks like that. Carly Smithson looks like a comic book convention in real-life human form. Paula's hair is very Danny Noriega, and Simon's winking all over the place at Ryan, so we're in for a treat.

Ryan reads a bunch of Randy's bullshit non-commentary off of cards in his hands, which are beneath mentioning, and Paula asks the ladies to bring both their "charm" and their "vocals," and mentions having heard "rumblings of the rehearsals," excitedly. Simon and Ryan agree that disagreement and backtalk are a turn-on for Simon, even when it comes from total creeps like Danny and Chikezie, and then there's a video of the Top Twelve Ladies walking through a door and screaming when they got their Hollywood tickets. Singing? No, why would they sing on this show? That's secret stuff we'll never get to see, now.

Kristy Lee Cook is up next. She's like if Felicity had a horse, only even less interesting. She likes to sing "Amazing Grace," and how boringly pretty she is, is equal to how true the following statement is: I couldn't pick her out of a lineup consisting of Kristy Lee Cook, Oprah Winfrey, and her horse. Which she wants to buy out of hock when she wins this show. She sings "Rescue Me," in a tempo just slow enough that it's boring without being slow enough that it's inventive or interesting. She also does totally spooky and inappropriate shit with her eyes and face, like that woman from Xanadu that I saw in the Thanksgiving Day parade that made me go back to bed at 11 AM because I realized that I had no more Thanks to Give.

If you're ever in trouble and you are looking for help, I am telling you in advance that you need to ask for help with at least a little bit of spirit or heart, because when Kristy sings "Rescue Me" in this Sominesque way, it makes me think she's beyond saving, and in fact that she has resigned herself to never being rescued. Randy and Simon tell her it was awful, but Paula says it's okay to suck because she is sick with the flu or the bronchitis or whatever -- but "you don't want to ever let anyone see that you're having a little bit of a tough time." Because what Paula Abdul can teach you to do, besides bust a move, is convincingly maintain. Ryan wonders if illness matters, or if we should just vote her ass off right now, and says that all the women are dying right now; Paula thanks her lucky stars that we know this ahead of time, that the women are dying. I'm so glad too because that sounds super-fun to hear at the beginning of two hours of shitty singing.

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American Idol

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