American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Me You and The Flossy Flossy We Both Already Knew

I'm coming to you a few hours late because I was just at the most awesome show, Yellowfever opening up for Ponytail. I can't believe I didn't know about the first band before tonight, they are crazy good. Check them out. Anyway, let's do this bitch. It's the finale. I won't see you again, won't see Ryan again or Simon, for a very long time. That makes me almost unbelievably sad. It's like you, then Ryan, then Simon, then Kara by a hair, then people. That song, that stage, the whole predictable thing. Famous people in the audience for no reason. Those people looking at Janice Dickinson and wondering why she's there.

What the eff are we going to do with each other for two hours? I am talking 100 million votes, 624 mill total, but like that matters. I can't imagine what the hell is going to happen in this episode. Randy's wearing a bowtie, that should take approx ten. And it does! I could be writing the Gossip Girl finale recap, which was actually awesome, in between the parts of this where Randy tries not at all to make me love him. Kara's montage is her telling people honestly and realistically that we live in the real world: remember when she was Simon, but a hot chick? And we respected her so much? I still do. But I get it.

Then comes Paula, with a montage of her using words she does not understand, which is mean. Then there's Simon being Kara after a couple of years, like perfect with a little awesome on top. Ryan is like, "Just hold me. Just hold me. Just hold me." And Simon says, "Okay. After that crazy lady stops strangling my ex-girlfriend. And Jacob stops getting all up in our shit yelling 'Utilization Behavior.'"

Neither Kris nor Adam's mic are working, so their hot white-clad selves are just at a loss. Of course Kris gives a nice little speech you can barely hear, but Adam actually understands that we're having a technical issue, so he just makes some scary face and then it's... over to Conway AR where MIKALAH GORDON is holding court. Because when you think Kris Allen, you think Mikalah.

I mean, I wasn't prepared at this moment for how happy I was to see her -- and she looks fucking fly-fly-fly-fly higher-than-high hot, I swear the girl gets more gorgeous every year -- or how she reminds me of what I really am, which is somebody who after five years actually kinda loves this show, but... the FUCK you got Mikalah, the most Fairy Princess of all fairy princess gay-adjacent ladies in the entire universe, like not even Andrew Lloyd Webber is the fruitfly she is, and you put her in Kris Territory? Who's Adam's on-site going to be, Madame the puppet? "Coming to you live, it's Ryan Seacrest's gay brother Wayne Brady." I love you, Mikalah. Every time you're on screen I will find a new way of saying so. But at least we get to see her hotness buried in the recently discovered hotness that is Arkansas, where we recently learned the people are fine.

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American Idol




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