American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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"Next Time, Just Come Naked"

"In life, the microphone passes your lips but once... You had better be ready to sing." That's a little bit of inspiration courtesy David Foster. I'm not sure exactly what it means in this context, but let's look at some idiots. Those crazy ladies Mary Roach and Clay Aiken remind you what the show is all about, and then there are hugging cowboys, and that guy dressed like Lady Liberty, and the big yellow crazy lady with the boobs, and Kelly Pickler and that guy Chris who broke this show, and then Fake Clay before he was gay, and my boy that hugged Hasselhoff, and the Brittenums, and Carrie handjiving "I love you" to A-Fed (right in time to the music, which right now is "What A Wonderful World," again for no reason), the Crying Sanjaya Girl, Sanjaya the Crying Girl, William Hung the original Sanjaya, that Fran Drescher girl I liked so much, toothless diabetic guy and his dead mom, Sparks, Hicks, Ruben, and finally you know the montage is ending because it's Carrie, Kelly and David, the only legit people ever on this stage. And then there's the sucky Dunk, and then lots and lots of different versions of Ryan Seacrest's hair.

God, I've missed Ryan Seacrest. I wish he had other jobs so I could see him more than just on this show. They show that hilarious video of the Archuleta fans shitting themselves when the real David won, and then some meaningless words from him, and then another montage. Mostly just people screaming, and then a bunch of people saying inspirational shit about how this show is so awesome, ranging from ghetto to gorgeous to... Yikes, you guys. Daddy picked the wrong day to switch to HD. I forgot about how teenager skin makes you feel sad inside.

Eight cities, 100K auditioners and I'm sure 90% of them are mentally ill or developmentally disabled, I guess we'll find out. There's a crazy girl crying and hugging Paula Abdul and then a bunch of people committing suicide on Paula Abdul's lawn, a crazy gay cowboy, the building coming down on them, a girl kissing Ryan and then both of them throwing up for different reasons, a girl shitting out her own heart upon getting no golden ticket, a gay in a hat, dudes in a pool... Then Ryan standing in the Grand Canyon like he's about to hang out with Earl the Angel, and my God, let's see... EIGHT fucking minutes and it's time to start the actual show. So of course let's watch some commercials first. I forgot so much of the bullshitty things about this show and just sort of let it be a horrible shitty cloud in somebody else's third-world polluted country but now I have to think about the actual carbon footprint of all this stuff and count how many Styrofoam cups they're using.

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American Idol

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