American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
"I Feel It On My Skin! It Bursts Out Of Me!"

There's a twist this year before Hollywood where they are sent to a boot camp and are attacked by something Ryan refers to as a "Glam Squad." One young man is seen screaming that his manhood is being slowly stripped away. Then it's over to that nice vocal training lady, and about thirty other people, telling them how to sing. Then they herd them all into a room to clap at Barry Manilow. I'm fairly certain they've kept him in that room since last year. I wonder what it smells like in there? His face looks like Cray-Pas; that does not bode well.

For any of us, really. Has it started? I'm never sure if it's started. It's been on for about ten minutes and Ryan and Simon have both said about a thousand words of lyrics from that Eight Mile song about how you only have one shot to do certain things, and Ryan has already said "This is American Idol" in about six different intonations, but I don't think it's started... Now? Okay, now it's started. Good. Good. Only does that mean there's even more Barry Mannequin coming? Rats.

There are at least two days' worth of people here, so they split them into halves and send one half out to screw around and hopefully not get murdered by LA. The other half will be watching themselves as they randomly get onstage eight at a time, and sing whatever they feel like a capella, in a thrilling round I like to call "Pass The Mic." Hopefully they will be brutally cut in half based on this alone, and have some meltdowns. It would be awesome if they just picked the Top 36 this way based on a few seconds of random Pass The Mic Hot Potato, and if they complained you could just be like, "Did you not hear about how this is your one shot? Did you allow yourself to miss your chance to blow?"

The first lineup has two Kansas City people: Dennis Brigham and Lil Rounds. I want to apologize to you for not knowing that Kansas City is also in Kansas. I wish that I could say that it's counterintuitive, but it really isn't. Lil Rounds sings "I Will Always Love You" at the top of her lungs, and there's a lil' round of ovations for her and Kara says nice things, and it's over. Then Dennis does the spazzy screamy Broadway buggy-eyed gaywad singing that he always does and which is the reason he should not even be here, and finally Simon's like, "Watching you sing is like watching a clown prolapse," or whatever. He's mentally ill, I've been confused the whole time why he's here. So anyway, Asia (of Asia/India), Lil Rounds, and some generic hottie in self-conscious Dickies named Alexander are through.

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American Idol




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