American Idol

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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"It Hurts Where You Get Kicked Sometimes."

Last audition episode! One last bell to answer, one last freak to fie-fo-fum. I am so tired, man. I can't believe they put this crap on TV on the wrong day and we still watched it. That's so sick. On the other hand, getting through auditions means a free round for everybody, because after tonight the only mental illness we need to worry about is the Brittenum/Mean Girl Hollywood kind, which is obviously the best kind. Doesn't feel like it took that long, after all. Well, there were parts that felt long. Like four hours in one week, that felt like four hours, whereas normally an hour of this show feels like about ten minutes because nothing of worth happens on this show at any time.

Meanwhile, Ryan's trying to sell us on how giving us two completely different audition cities means that we're somehow getting more for our nonexistent buck. Then he totally goes, "They're two different islands, but they're pretty much the same." On one or the other of these identical islands, Randy uptalks a bunch of nothing, probably about how this is Season 8. There's a montage of New Yorkers going, "Fuggedaboudit," so you know where you are, except for how they keep flipping back and forth the whole episode so even this is a lie, but whatever. Forget about it.

Amazing-looking Adeola Adegoke (19, Bronx, "Former Bank Teller") has quit her job because she's so talented and believes so much in herself that she quit her job. That's "how much" she believes in herself "right now." What a douche. I'm sure her coworkers are impressed and grateful for that. That's dumb enough that I hope she sucks... And she does, first in one way, and then another way, and then in all the different ways. Score! But not for Adeola.

Simon tells her to go eat crow and get her job back because she was shockingly bad, and she whines and annoys and sings an even worse song, so they just vote her to be done. Randy's "got mad love" for her, which no rational person even would, and they finally kick her out... But only after he tells her this is not her "skeeze." Randy, man. Eight years in, I'm still trying to figure out what your particular skeeze actually is. So far we know it's not talking or having a point of any kind. She strides out to her family and proves that she's learned nothing today -- "I'm not giving up!" -- and then to dick with her, Ryan puts her boss on the phone with Simon. Luckily, she's a sweet girl, and the boss loves her, so he gives her the job back. Girlfriend's like, "I always liked Simon." Which is a great thing to learn, because Simon rocks, but... is not the number one thing she should have learned here.

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American Idol

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