American Idol
Auditions: New Orleans

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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NOLA Contendere

I was all prepped to title this one "Enjoy Being Left To The Flood" -- having recently learned that once again I have my finger on the pulse of last month and everybody already loved that song -- and then stupid Idol once again screwed me by going to New Orleans for Day Two.

Which it now is, so carry on and keep calm. First up, Blake Patterson, who is so nervous it makes you, me, everybody nervous. Or else he is kidding, in his vest and his little hat and his plinking piano about smiling even when you're in a glee club with Rachel Berry, and then the truly insane standing-shriek followed by possibly passing out... Started out seeming mean, ended up awesome. It's going to be a Brittenum kind of day.

They're getting their bon temps out and ready to laissez them however you want. Steven Tyler is still a disgusting cockmonger and... Maybe he just isn't on this show, anymore. Like how Randy was, back when he was the attention-hogging pointless one. Now that he's the Paula and J. Lo is the Simon, it looks like Steve might be in the corner for the next twenty weeks. Does anybody have a problem with that?

Okay, besides Steven Tyler?

Because he makes me feel like that part in Fight Club where they pour the stuff on that thing, if you remember what I'm talking about. Caustic lye, sizzling on your soul.

Short thing of Ryan being super awesome and unguarded, back when he couldn't speak French but rattled off Spanish beautifully-if-rotely, last time we were here. It's these little moments I cherish, where you see the man behind the man, and he's also that man. But slightly smaller.

Ryan heads off to learn French while J. Lo tends to her nasty old grandmother with all the scarves; we meet music instructor Jordan Dorsey (La Place, LA), who is beloved by children and looks like a movie star, but might be insane. Let's see... He's wearing a skull-and-bones platinum necklace around his 21-year-old neck, so probably he's a back-east elitist. Ryan still can't tell how old black ladies are, because nobody knows how to tell that, but it's the kind of mistake that never gets you in trouble because who's coming to complain?

Inside, J. Lo looks like an amazing vision with a side-pony and spaceship top, and everybody's pleased as heck with Jordan's "Somewhere Over The Rainbow," which goes to many wonderful places that I don't normally associate with that obnoxious song. Also what we have learned is that J. Lo is one of the people who says "goose pimples," which I always wondered who says that. You see it in books.

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American Idol

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