American Idol
Auditions: Nashville

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Everybody's All American

Darius Thomas (18, Birmingham) has that thing, you know? That thing where it sounds like they're never going to stop screaming and also it can shake apart your molecules? Like the red-headed Cassidy family of X-Men and X-Men associates. Darius also has red hair but I don't think it comes from his Irish roots, being black. I mean, I don't know much about his family, he could very well be an X-Man for all I know, but he sure is good at screaming. American Scream Idol. I bet Steven Tyler will like him. I bet he thinks that is singing.

Christine McCaffrey (27, West Palm Beach FL) is one of those ones where they start playing the dumpy baby elephant music the second she shows up and her eyes don't quite connect to what she's looking at and then she walks into the room making weird sounds and chirping and making things sad for everybody. Then she sings, and it's so terrible that it's actually wonderful. Through the nose and not really singing, with a sort of Frank Oz spin on the top of it. Kiiiiiiyah! She later says "I did my best," and tells Ryan that Steven Tyler gave her a yes, which he did not.

Maybe she is part dolphin? Whatever it is, Randy is mean to her and Steven Tyler just opts out of everything, which I'm noticing is a nice quality on him sometimes. Especially since apparently Randy thinks 1) He's the new Simon and 2) Being a dick is something Simon used to do. Two lies, in the total lie multiplex of Randy Jackson's life, plus another example of Randy being stupid, because Simon was not really a dick very often, and never for the sole purpose of being a dick. There's just so much Randy doesn't ... Get.

Cute, cute pair of exes Rob and Chelsee (23, Nashville) who are selling their whole thing about how they broke up and they duet and they don't love each other, or they still love each other. It seems like a huge lie and a gimmick, even though they brought her new boyfriend who is also cute, but then they sing together, and it's super gorgeous, so I don't know. Rob Bolin (23, Nashville) has a whole southern thing going on with his voice, it's great; Chelsee Oaks same deal. He could do better, but not by much.

And I don't mean that as nasty as it came out. What I mean is, she's a six, six-and-a-half and he's a seven-verging-on-eight.

Or is that still awful? Sorry. They're cute, whatever. And anyway, I still think they are playing up the breakup and Steven Tyler is just buying in wholeheartedly, and so but anyway they both go to Hollywood. Watch out for Rob and Chelsee. They sing pretty great. Plus Rob is even tinier than Ryan, which is hot.

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American Idol

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