American Idol
Auditions: Miami

Episode Report Card
Joe R: D+ | Grade It Now!
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Miami, Miami, You've Got...Nothing

Dear Christ. Miami. Like this show isn't full of enough bullshit. The opening montage is a takeoff on the Miami Vice credits, which at least must've been fun for the tech guys to do. Better than more aerial shots of stadiums full of...oh. They're here too. Continuing the theme of "Things that start with 'Miami,'" we also get to hear some Miami Sound Machine, which is probably the right thing to do since the show is still apologizing to Gloria Estefan for ruining her music back in Season 3.

Quick note on the subject of What Paula Looks Like Tonight: off-the-shoulder leopard print peasant-top-ish thing that changes its mind about halfway down and decides it's a mini-dress instead, plus a jungle red belt and pumps. Very The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas. "Very slutty," says Simon, approvingly. So now that we're all at an appropriate level of grossed out, we're all ready for Miami.

Shannon McGough (18, Okeechobee, FL) likes herself a macramé hat from time to time, and she works by day at her parents' meat market. We get a few loving closeups of raw meat, which actually just made me order some takeout because: mmm, meat. Shannon can also burp louder than anyone she knows, and, delicate flower that she is, she displays this talent more than a few times. After some "meat-handling" jokes from the judges, she screech-yodels her way through some Janis Joplin, a surefire way to make it to Hollywood on this show. Simon's like, "My hangover would like to grind you in a meat press." The judges are actively pissed at her for sucking so much, and Shannon jerkily acts flabbergasted that anyone would say she sucks because no one has ever told her that before. Simon's like, "Well then everyone you know is an asshole, goodbye."

Seacrest then waxes nostalgic about Miami being not too far from Orlando (...okay?) and Orlando being the Boy Band Capital of 1999 or whatever, like we're still pretending that was a significant time in our shared musical history and not something that Justin Timberlake pays good money to make sure nobody talks about. This is all by way of introducing Robbie Carrico (25, Melbourne, FL), who used to be in a boy band but now wants to make it solo. He probably would've settled for "making it" in a boy band too, but that clearly never happened either. Also, this must be an example of the show "coming clean" that one of their contestants used to have a record deal in this, the Year Of A Thousand Ringers. Which, I don't want to get bogged down or anything, but 1) the competition isn't fixed if there are two dozen of them; 2) that's about as many "Chosen One" candidates as everyone thinks there are every year; and 3) stacking the show with more good singers makes it worse how? Anyway, Robbie looks like if Justin Bobby from The Hills showered once a week instead of never, and he sings really well, albeit in that same faux-R&B way most of the guys this season have sung. Simon's on the fence until Paula gives him the "yes or no" treatment, at which point it's a unanimous yes. Outside, Robbie's family goes nuts with the silly string and the bottle popper thingies, and Ryan is of course offended on behalf of decorum itself.

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American Idol

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