American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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"Was That A Threat?" "That Was A Threat."

What I know about Louisville Kentucky is that I like the way people say it. You know that way that I'm talking about? Like they're speaking French and they elide the first half of the word? I thought it was just people from Indiana that said it that way, but now it seems like more people say it that way than the way you might think... And never mind, because that's what the show is talking about, so whatever. Scooped again by Seacrest. I wasn't really going anywhere with it anyway, to be honest. Kara blows a horn at the Downs, nerds are outside with their moms, and then: a whole family of vampires, walking around in the Kentucky sunlight. Her mom and dad talk all slow and creepy, and she looks like a dead person. Their whole family looks like the bad guys in a Chick Tract, like they move into the neighborhood and start celebrating Halloween and tempting you with candy and they put on magic robes and play Dungeons & Dragons and it's all fun and games until suddenly they're making you eat razor blades for Satan in their basement when all you wanted to do was watch some MTV and maybe have an abortion. Shoulda thought twice.

You know how the fingernails and the hair keep growing when you die? A little-known fact is that sometimes it's ears. Tiffany Shedd (18, Cincinnati) is skinny as hell, with a string of pearls around her neck and the whitest sparkliest eyeshadow spackled on up to her eyebrows, giving her a sort of Divine's Bastard Daughter look. She sings really not that great, and Randy laughs in her face. It's warbly and what they call pitchy, and at the end Simon goes, legitimately curious: "Tiffany, what was that song?" You honestly couldn't tell. The really gross thing about Tiffany, like the thing that doesn't make me feel bad about talking smack, is that if she doesn't get onto the show, she's going to college. That's fucked up. Then she fucking freaks out on camera about how she is not a nerd or a freak which is all they really want, and bleep you sit down you don't know me you don't bleeping know me kind of stuff, and then all three of her vampire nest or coven or whatever walks around talking all low and fucked up, and then she sings some other mystery song into the camera while her mom fucking grooves along beside her. This family makes me angrier than it makes me upset. They encourage her nasty, weird bitching and playa-hating all the way out to the car, because they don't care that she sucks, because they suck, and I can't care about that.

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American Idol

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