American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!

Kara tells him there is a retroactive wow in his future and a hell of a life story or some shit, it kind of goes nowhere, but then Katy gets super-bitchy with Kara some more, and Kara actually just fucking hates Katy now, which is obviously the right idea but paradoxically doesn't really do it for me. Kara has been such a fucking drag this year that it's going to take more than just catching up to the realization that Katy Perry is a travesty of a human being. Katy and Simon don't love him or his stupid story, Randy and Kara not only love him but continue to climb all over each other. Is this perhaps them trying to create a Paula/Simon chemistry so they appear to have personalities? Is this about how Ellen is better than them and makes them join forces? Whatever it is, looking at it makes me barf.

Some meaningless number of people we never saw in our lives get through to Hollywood. Where, as you know, they already were.

Also: Miley Cyrus. As your triumphant song the first time anything good ever happened to you. That shits on it, I think. And that's The Climb. I wish Katy Perry and Miley Cyrus would just do it and then maybe we could all move on from this particular gross moment in our collective sexuality. Because it doesn't seem like it's going anywhere. I feel even more this way now than I did a year ago, that going all Weetzie Bat on your own sexual trauma is not a competitive sport, but I'm also chiller about it because I realized Twilight isn't about romance, it's about how gross and crazy teenage girls are. Less Titanic, more Flowers In The Attic.

And I fully support going as crazy and gross as you can early in life, even though we don't really have the cultural vocab to talk about why that happens and how it's basically okay, because teenage girls' sexuality is the most important commodity in the entire history of humans, so people being weird about it is obviously not going to go away, because the people in control of everything are the ones in control of it. Like oil, or that stuff from Dune, only it belongs to an actual person who can actually hear and see you being creepy about it, and is getting messed up by that. So instead we don't talk about it at all, because what are you going to say? Anything you could possibly say just sounds like an invitation to a Purity Ball, which is just incest without the sex.

So you get nasty infections like Katy Perry or Miley Cyrus or Twilight popping up all the time, and everybody's coming up with new shapes to shave their pubes and acting like sex is constantly coming out in new flavors and formulations because in order to prove that you are okay with sexuality you have to demonstrate aberrant sexuality, which makes no sense at all, but Madonna re-centered sex in the '90s just like they did the SATs and we grew up thinking that's what sex was like: Weird. Not fun, not awesome, not the easiest and simplest possible activity you could imagine, but something that involves a lot of drugs, to get it up or keep it up or fade your brain out while you're doing it, strange costumes and power play and leather accoutrements and maybe installing a pulley system in your home. A... what's it called, a block and tackle.

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American Idol




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