American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!

I don't... That's what happened. Usually that's a metaphor, like, "Was very flattering" or "Tried to sway the judges." But nope, not this time. This time, the creepiest kid in the universe thought crawling around like an alley cat on the floor and offering to give Simon a blow job was, you know, the right choice to make. On TV. He's like, "You've got me on my knees!" And Simon goes, "I knew you'd get there eventually." Which is the most awesome thing Simon has ever done, in a lifetime of doing awesome things. Jason poses and writhes and wriggles and acts totally yucky and Simon eventually gets bored, and then it's over. Katy Perry is like, "You know how I'm utterly disgusting? You're more so. Like, you have to get up pretty early in the morning to gross me out."

Which, those are powerful words. What's worse than the worst? Until today we didn't have a word for it. So then he insults Katy's top and goes to the fag place and everybody laughs and applauds this courageous and original choice, and he's finally gone. Then he does a pirouette and goes outside and gives Ryan Seacrest his number, doubling down on his original grossness by macking on both Ryan and Simon. Both of whom are actually, really, honestly uncomfortable. Which, I'm not personally invested or territorial about the Simon and Ryan parts of this bullshit when I say: Way to help out, guy. Thanks for pushing my gay wedding back a couple more years.

Is this how black people feel about Flavor Flav?

Kara and Katy disagree about cute boy after cute boy while some shitty Katy Perry song plays, and they pull out their songwriting dicks and measure them and it's awful, and Katy gets bitchier and bitchier with Kara, and Kara for her part started that journey long ago -- and is about six thousand times smarter than Katy -- so she's just sort of lapping her, and finally Katy just pisses her off and Kara sings about how she kissed a dolphin and she liked it and Katy offers to throw her soda in Kara's face, and the boys' boners are slowly lifting up the table, because straight men are just horrible. They are just fucking everything up.

Chris Golightly (25, LA) was in 25 foster homes when he was a kid, and it was rough. He has blonde curly Brian Krakow hair and is very beautiful, and seems really broken inside. I'm interested to see where this is headed. He charms Ryan, sings "Stand By Me" quite smoothly and beautifully, when he's not zazzing it up in unpredictable and distracting ways. Also, the chain on his wallet goes down past his knee. I'm seeing the chinks in the armor already.

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American Idol




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