American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!

Good old Ryan wears a shirt and tie even when he's on the radio. I thought the point of radio was that you didn't have to do shit. If you don't feel like wearing pants, you don't have to. But I bet good old Ryan does. And not even joke pants with like ducklings on them, actual pants. I think I would kill myself if I had to wear pants at my job, but I know I wasn't born this way. Totally over pants, I mean. Once pants were a fact of life. Pants must be one of those points you can't unpass. Even in Los Angeles.

Look! Avril Lavigne! Singing the song about how wearing preppy clothes is tantamount to treachery and pronouncing the word "pose" that strange way. Oh, Avril, you bright spring breeze of a little badger. I love her so intensely. She just wants to flip the bird at people who makes things complicated, and sk8board around the mall past cops and their authority doughnuts, and bring a carefree flagrance to the people, and put on all the eyeshadow that there is in this world. Also bracelets. Who doesn't love these things? h8rbois, preppy-clothes poseurs, mall cops which aren't even really cops, the greedy Once-ler from The Lorax. That sort of person.

She spits. She's a spitter. xpector8rboi. On anyone else I would find that to be the most disgusting thing, the saddest tragedy, and it's known that I secretly count the amount of times people spit in movies and TV and stuff, like for my imaginary book of grievances (for e.g., I can tell you that in Jennifer's Body, they spit three times: Once in hair, once in a face, once it's a bloody tooth, but this all happens in the first ten minutes and then the spitting stops at that point), but I find that when Avril spits, I just want to chuckle and rock her to sleep. Rock on, rockstar! You bad-ass little pint-sized mammajamma, your mum is going to be mortified! Fuck authority! Sk8boards! Eyeliner! Bracelets!

And you know, actually she probably stopped spitting at people at some point. What is she, like fifty now? That's a damn cold night/ Trying to figure out this life, right there. She's wearing a pirate-themed hoodie with little horns on the hood. Probably something she designed herself. That's worse than spitting on people. By like a thousand.

I am so offended that we have to talk about this show. I just want to talk about Avril Lavigne. If I keep talking about Avril Lavigne I'll never have to talk about horrible Katy Perry the American chav and that's a journey that starts with...Oh, balls. Neil Goldstein (19, Redlands, CA). What a fucking way to start things. No wonder my DVR rejected this shit out of hand and I'm writing this recap at 7 AM when all good people have been in bed for at least a couple hours.

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American Idol




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