American Idol

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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"These Are My Crazy Pills!"

Ninety-seven million votes last year, and it all came down to David Cook, who is from Kansas City which is not in Kansas and never was. When you look at it that way it just seems like a lot of sound and fury, no? One day last year, David Cook was humble some more, and now all those same people are here screaming and having terrible skin. There's a lot of Simon love, and a lot of annoying people talking about it, and a bunch of people that love Ryan too. That's really all it comes down to, I think. Well, and now Kara.

You know what I don't get is how every audition episode we have to watch them get out of their judge cars and go, "Here we are in Kansas City," like... Of the many ways in which this show is unbelievable bullshit I never would expect them to hold up like a current newspaper to prove where they are. Wherever they are -- especially Paula -- is kind of the same place no matter where they go.

Pretty blonde deluded Chelsea Marquardt (19, Parsons, KS) sells us her entire imaginary bio, and it's minorly disgusting. "You see me, and you see this little girl, and you don't think that this powerful voice is going to come out of me, and then I'll start singing a song and there's just, like, so much emotion and power, and people are like, 'Whoa.'" It's like if she says it enough times somebody's going to say it back to her. Then she sings that song from when the girl kills herself in Rules Of Attraction, and just like in that movie there's blood everywhere by the time she's done, and Shannyn Sossamon has to come and drag her dead body out of there, tits flopping, before alerting an RA.

It's totally amazing, and yes to how we're now "all like 'whoa'," and her crazy eyes are so crazy, and she doesn't care about the laughing of Randy, just keeps corkscrewing horrible reedy wavery notes into the ceiling like pencils in detention acoustic tile. Simon says something about dropping cats off a building, Paula meanly asks for another song, Randy tells her it's like a four-alarm emergency of sirens, basically in order to one-up Simon, and Kara and Paula are like, "Now you're just being dicks." Paula tells Chelsea to do something I don't understand, which is to take something positive out of something something, and then Randy and Simon are dandruff haters that she needs to wash right out of her crazy with the positive thing from Step 1.

Simon's like, "What possible thing could she take from this experience that would be at all positive, beyond getting to meet Ryan Seacrest and Kara D?" Paula says, "Anything that Kara and I said, beyond how we made fun of her for most of the audition and then laughed when you were mean and then pretended we disapproved." Once again biting into the tootsie-roll center of this BS after a single lick, Kara goes: "Try this. You're a pretty girl, but you are not a good singer." What if Kara D were the only judge? This show would be five seconds long and it would just be Kara going, "I see what the problem is here, and how we're going to fix it." And then they would fix it. The end.

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American Idol

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