American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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"A Lot Of People Fear Physics."

We begin with Simon and Ryan in the back of a limo, babbling incessantly and giggling and holding hands, talking about Florida and how Simon has repeatedly requested that Ryan not use his radio voice in front of him. "Here we are in Florida," they say one hundred times, in many different voices ranging from deep cop porn voice to slightly less deep porn voices. It's at the same time very improvised and very practiced, authentic and fake all at once, which is after all precisely where the magic of Ryan resides. It's fun, sort of flesh-crawlingly weird, and over all too soon.

There is much footage of Randy Jackson in Journey, wearing those sad clothes he used to wear when he was in journey, although I'm unsure of the... Oh. Jackson. Jacksonville. Got it. "Don't Stop Believing." Back in the limo, Simon and Ryan dish about how they've got a police escort and how Randy has just changed because of his fame. I don't know about this, I don't know about focusing even one second of our time on Randy, but it takes an ass to fill every seat.

Here's one now! Joshua Ulloa (22, Beverly Hills, FLORIDA) is oft compared to Justin Guarini and doesn't seem to think that's a problem. He sings "Let's Get It On," playing a pretend sexy harmonica, and does a few b-boy moves. He's fairly irritating before he starts to sing, and then the faces that he makes while singing complete the transition to fully annoying. His voice is boyband and whiny, out of control, and a waste of time. He makes a variety of noises, from screeching to record-scratching to skatting, and eventually winds down. Randy praises his sound effect abilities; Simon -- who has traded places with Randy -- says he actually started out okay before he became obnoxious; Randy says it was entertaining, and they put him through. He puts on his sunglasses and makes more sounds, and Randy sings a little song for himself.

Sharon Wilbur (25, Jacksonville) is very cute and very dumb, and brought her ugly dumb Shih Tzu, and tries way too hard while laughing into the camera and into her boyfriend's face about how she doesn't want to try too hard. Then she brings her dumb dog into the audition and wastes everybody's time with it, and Simon holds it in his lap while she performs a breathlessly weak Britney Spearsy "Superstar." She's a totally adorable girl, but that doesn't make it any less pointless. Kara brings up the Britney thing, and Simon puts her dog on the floor and then puts her through. "Girls, girls," Sharon says after Randy agrees, and then... Kara and Paula randomly start making out and talking nonsense, and Paula puts her through. "Kiss Me" plays over this latest cannon fodder, and Kara says kissing Paula is fine, but she's still waiting for Simon. Ryan's like, "Girl, talk to me after eight years."

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American Idol

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