American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
"Don't Move Your Hips Like That, Honey."

Please do join me in welcoming my BFF Will's daughter Lillian Rose into this world. So far she seems stubborn, but as the Merlin Elect I will be taking care of that shit. So, what is there to say about the Mile High City they call Denver? I believe it has its own atmosphere because it is built in what you call a caldera, but I may have picked that information up from like a Syfy TV movie about the Coming Global Superstorm, or invented it in my own mind. Outside Denver they have a theme park called the North Pole that I was obsessed with as a small child because I had a thing about maps and my grandparents would give me this bucket of maps to play with instead of toys and my favorite was the North Pole map. At some point my grandparents actually took me there and we stayed in a hotel in Denver for a few days.

I don't remember that much except I watched two movies, Baby: Secret Of The Lost Legend, which is as boring as Gorillas In The Mist even though it involves a robotic dinosaur, and Legend, which is also incredibly boring for the most part, even though it features Tim Curry as the Devil, a Robin Goodfellow type of dude which I always enjoy, unicorns which are the entire point of life, and Tom Cruise prancing around in a forest wearing tights. Not to mention the music of Tangerine Dream. It sounds like the most perfect thing, and probably you have fond memories of it, but I defy you to sit your cute little ass down in 2010 and watch that piece and not feel like you just got injected with a million cc's of Adult ADD.

Also, and I do hate to say this, The Dark Crystal. Two fucking hours of giant turtles moaning.

But so we finally got to hit the North Pole, and it's fairly gorgeous. I hope it still exists. There was a big candy-cane pole demarcating the Pole itself, which clearly we are not talking about magnetic north but more like an imaginary fake north, and there were some reindeer with the mange that I loved because I love things with antlers, and a spine-cracking kiddie coaster that probably went up like a foot max in its highest places but still made me want to puke ergonomically, a toyshop as big as the world full of Santa crap, all the leaves were brown and the grass was yellow and the sky was grey and there was a scary petting zoo and fake snow blowing in your eyes at certain points. Amazing.

You know that show Lost and the bear cages? It was like that. Like a real theme park, that was built by somebody who loved children and Santa, but then maybe there was a genocide of the Dharma Collective and maybe there are bodies in vans somewhere, and now it's just yellow grass poking up through rusting merry-go-rounds and carnies looking at you like you're food and goats with their rectangle eyes and reindeer snorfling fake snow and a haunted house that I do believe to this day was actually haunted. It was as close to my version of heaven as we're likely to see. It deserves your patronage.

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American Idol




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