American Idol
Auditions: Dallas

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: B- | Grade It Now!
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Dateline Is Watching, Seacrest

Awful dreadlocks guy intros us to a long montage of "Since U Been Gone," including a bunch of people not interesting enough to highlight anywhere else in the episode. Did you know some people can't actually sing that great? Because this stupid show is here to show you that it really is true. Dudes doing the splits, falsettos, a mime, Elphaba, little girls from Sunday school, a nerd, an overenunciating person. I love that song so damn much but now I'm not sure I want to marry it anymore.

From Kelly C's Burleson, TX, comes Nina Shaw (24). She's got legs down to here and is totally adorable, even with the flower in her hair. She sings "Run To You" and boy, is it annoying. Simon calls her "old-fashioned, overthought and overdone," and Paula calls her "pageant-like." She then annoys her way through "Summertime," I think, and Randy decides that she is jazzy and that it reminds him of Amy Winehouse. Nina responds by shooting needles of bleach into her eyeballs and then jumps out the window screaming, while cutting herself. It's still not as annoying as her singing. So of course they put her through, for some stupid reason. Maybe she'll get better, maybe I'm grumpy. I don't know. Two hours is a long fucking time, you guys.

The sun is finally setting on Day Two, and like why go out on a high note or with any effing class, so of course we get this creepy dude in a pimp cape who looks stupid, talks in broken English, and gets his cape fluttered by Ryan, who asks why a man dressed in white fur and silver cape would get bows from passersby. Renaldo Lapuz (44, Reno NV, of course) whines that nobody ever bows to him, so the dude bows to him, super low, and Ryan loves it like only a short man can. It gets to a point where Ryan becomes uncomfortable, but that point is way further than you think. Inside, Paula wonders why the dude's hat says "Simon," and his answer makes no sense, and Simon laughs angrily for awhile about how his life is a dumb-ass joke for three months out of the year. Randy one-ups the dude in boring blather, and then the dude sings a song he wrote himself, about him and Simon, and everybody else. "We Are Brothers Forever," he sings. And yeah. It's kind of catchy, but still. I mean, this is the biggest show in the history of television. Do we not, as Americans, owe ourselves more than this? Everybody leaves during the fifteenth verse, and Simon is left to send hate vibes at Renaldo all alone. I'm not exaggerating. It goes on for seriously ten minutes, the same two lines that make no sense, about brotherhood and shit.

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American Idol

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