American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
"Once, I Had A Real Bad Asthma Attack"

This will be short. This week we're in Chicago. I only know about that Bean and that everybody who is from there is great. Well, except these angry turned-down people screaming hilarious curse words at the camera. It's quantity, not quality! Funny to watch, not actually that interesting to think about. I have decided to surround myself only with beautiful things, which is why I've stopped paying attention to the news or Teri Hatcher, but also to wit: the Brittenums were from Chicago. So there you are. Sunburns and bagpipes and Obama and Oprah and the horrible Brittenums. While a rip-off of "Baba O'Riley" morphs into the usual stunning excitement music. Ah, remember Obama fever? I still have it. Maybe they still have it in Chicago. I hope so. When you don't expect people to be magical, they can never let you down.

Like how Kara loves Shania Twain. See, that's sad. That's like convincing yourself Obama is going to personally gay-marry you and then getting pissed when he decides to deal with all the wars where people are dying and Depression where people are starving and complete intellectual breakdown where retards like Sarah Palin are making up science fiction stories about our country every single day first. That President Obama, he's a real chump for that.

So this one time, Shania Twain pissed herself. That don't impress me much.

First up: A whole lot of hair from Iowa. Katelyn Epperly (19, "West" Des Moines) is super-pretty and has a birthmark or zit right in the Stefani center of her forehead, located right around the tiny, tiny face of her. Her dad just split, so that's been hard on her mom. I don't think it will actually affect her singing, but we'll see. Mom goes, creepily, "She's doing this for me, you know." But who's she wearing those stupid boots for? Obama probably. She tells Simon straight-up that she's there because her dad moved out and her dog died and her mom lost at Bingo and they cancelled Dollhouse and things have been hard or whatever. I can't wait 'till she tries that shit in a real job interview.

Well, maybe she won't ever have to! Looks like being adorable and impressing Shania with her rendition of some Adele song might be her train right out of the hell of being a gorgeous, talented blonde.

And here I thought Shania was allergic to mayo.

You know how shitty it is when a girl has a big body and everybody always tells her how pretty she is? Luckily Amy Lang (26, Westchester OH) won't be getting that old routine. But she seems really pretty funny, and vivacious, which I guess is just as bad. She's really into Ryan Seacrest, which I sort of respect but also makes me want to cut her hating face with a machete. Like, she had a dream where they fucked, and tells Ryan all about it. It makes Ryan super-uncomfortable. But you know, I just recently had a dream where I cut her hating face, so obviously dreams mean nothing.

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American Idol




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