American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
"I Am Now Angry At You. Who I Don't Like. At All."

Oh man remember last May when Adam Lambert wasn't even gay yet? And remember how Bikini Kill was so gross, and Kris was sooo cute? And remember how there was KISS? (Remember -- on a separate note -- Amanda Overmyer? Jesus.) And then remember how Paula Abdul wandered off in her prom dress and was devoured by wolves and everybody thought that American Idol was over? And remember how of course it wasn't? And remember what it felt like before you knew Simon was leaving us? And now it might be over in actuality?

The guest judges filling Paula's [prescriptions] shoes before they bring it home to Ellen -- I doubt she'll be in Hollywood Round, right? -- are as follows. They're sort of an Apocalypse Horseman scenario, to be honest. Check this shit out: On the evil side, you've got Shania Twain, who writes bleep-bloop instead of songs; Joe Jonas, whom I bet you five dollars is the ugly one; what's left of Posh Spice, which we'll experience tonight; and Katy Perry, who is revolting in ways Gwen Stefani has not even explored yet.

On the side of righteousness we have Mary J., who remains a complete mystery to me; Avril Lavigne, who is of course my spirit animal; Kristin Chenoweth, the patron saint of drama fags everywhere including you and me; and... Notorious NPH. Who just... What is one to say about Neil Patrick Harris? I hope I think of something that's not a sound effect before his hot narrow ass rolls around this way. And then after all that, we'll bring it home to Ellen D. All of which makes me nervous because as you know, No Homo : Jacob :: Racism : Sarah Silverman, and that is ... the biggest bunch of homo I've ever seen in one place. Adam really did change everything.

Oh, before we start, can a British homie help me out with this? Because my understanding is that Pop Star, which is what they called American Idol over there, was the like biggest hit ever... Until Simon left to start X Factor, and then that was the biggest hit ever. So like, Simon's now leaving American Idol to start X Factor over here, so doesn't that mean the cycle is beginning again and our version of X Factor will be the new big hit? Either that, or he's going to track down his fellow mutants in the guise of being a mutant hunter, and then Ryan will leave too because he's always been the Shatterstar to Simon's Julio Esteban Richter, and then I will be left all alone in the wreckage of no Ryan and no Simon and all this fucking singing.

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American Idol




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