American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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"If I Didn't Have A Dress On, I'd Throw You A Backflip."

I love how this whole episode is like the Susan Boyle thing from every possible angle. "You look like a meth addict, but sing like an angel! You look like a white supremacist, but sing like the Velvet Teddybear! You look like a character from The Wire dressed as a clown, but sing like a choirboy! (Dressed as a clown!)"

Lamar Royal (20, Goldsboro, NC) assures us of three things: 1) He is very excited about the Mary J part of today; 2) He will respect the judges; 3) He can handle constructive criticism. Needless to say, we're about to witness a meltdown of Brittenum proportions. I don't even know if I can do justice to the amazing, operatic way this all goes down. In flames, is how it goes down. So he sings "Kiss From A Rose" and just fucks it all up, loud as hell and twitching and looking like he's having a serious adverse event, and they immediately stop him and tell him it was "torturous" and try to explain how music has notes and pitch and stuff. Lamar interrupts to offer another song, but they explain helpfully how no, he's really just that bad. Lamar interrupts and starts crying and yelling, and can't hear them at all, so they tell him to quiet down and listen to their advice. Lamar responds by shouting the first two bars of "Ma Cherie Amour" at them, at top volume, seven times in sequence.

They politely ask Lamar to leave, but Lamar interrupts. Mary J gets real as hell. "You need to find some humility if you're going to do this, and stop trying to exalt yourself." God, I love the way she talks. They politely ask Lamar to listen to their helpful advice and he shouts the first two bars of "Ma Cherie Amour" at them, three more times. At this point he begins stomping around the place, and it takes three security guards to keep him away from the judges' table.

It is at this point that Mary J Blige, as they say, hits the deck.

Lamar shouts the first two bars of "Ma Cherie Amour" four more times as the security guards escort him out of the way, and then he busts into a torrent, just a deluge, of profanity.

Things and/or persons that are invited to fuck themselves at this time:
American Idol, the television show
American Idol, the institution
Randy Jackson
Kara DioGuardi
The lack this year of Paula Abdul
Simon Cowell, wherever he may be
Kara DioGuardi, again and in particular
All past winners and/or contestants
Kara DioGuardi's inability to quote "sing a lick"

And, finally and regrettably, Mary J. Blige herself.

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American Idol

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