American Idol

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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"If I Didn't Have A Dress On, I'd Throw You A Backflip."

Three doomed southern belles, including a terrible singer that looks like a less beautiful Penelope Princess of Pets and sounds like that Amy Poehler character that was always bugging her stepdad ("Rick Rick Rick! I was not mentally prepared enough for that backflip! I need a tostada to calm my nerves!"); a very pretty girl with a very masculine haircut that actually makes MJB shout "OH GOD!" and then clap hands over her mouth; and the most goddamn beautiful woman I've ever seen in my entire life, doing dirty business to the "With A Broken Wing" song -- that's Martina McBride for sure, right? What am I saying, of course it is! Tragedy in question: Battered wife jumps out a window to her grisly death -- and I mean, she's seriously so attractive I can't even handle the mixed messages of eyes and ears, to the degree that I'm happy when they stop showing her singing so I can go back to be a simple person again. I'm too starstruck to come up with a cool nickname for her to express my feelings. Old Pretty-Face, that's the best I can do.

The Judgery tell the pretty man-haircut girl that she can't sing, but she says that's not the first time she's heard it and she's not about to get discouraged. Nice. They make fun of the first girl, but it's Randy so it's boring and dumb, and then Simon asks the incredibly beautiful girl why she stopped. Because of your facial expressions. "What were they like?" Dreadful. OMG, I love her. It's sad. I wish she could sing, so I could look at her all day long. I'd just pass a copy of Atlas Shrugged Andrew's way and say, "You were going to read this eventually anyway, I'm positive about that, so let's just get it out the way," and then sneak away for some screentime with Good Old Pretty-Face.

Simon splits, because even if you have one-tenth of the jobs of Ryan Seacrest that's still fifty more jobs than normal gents, and we meet Brian Walker (25, Sevierville, TN). You don't want to know how they pronounce the name of their town. Brian's brushcut is kind of dumb and pointy and I don't get it, but he's got a big old whitebread thickness that will serve him well moving forward. Total good old boy, but in the nice way. He tells the three (two and a half) remaining judges that he's going to sing "Superstar" in "the style of Ruben Studdard," and he... Does it fucking awesome! And it just gets better the entire time! Toward the end it gets a little ornamented and top-heavy, but he doesn't fuck it up. They stare at him and babbles and Randy keeps saying the words "hot" and "cop" and "singing" in different ways and pretty much they all lose it.

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American Idol

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