American Idol

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
"If I Didn't Have A Dress On, I'd Throw You A Backflip."

Robby Benson! That's who that Tyler guy reminded me of yesterday, with all the hair -- as well as Mika, it was pointed out to me -- he looks like Robby Benson. I watched Jeremy this summer with Chad and we hated that movie so much that when it was over that we threw it behind a bookcase. And there it remains.

Hey quick, pop quiz: Where was Ryan Seacrest born? Atlanta. Everybody knows that, Ryan Seacrest! Except for everybody he's asking now. Oh, the show has started. Gotcha. Maybe I only know that. Maybe if I'd been asked that in person he would be like, "You really get me, Jacob." And then teach me all the steps to the "Single Ladies" dance, because you know he's got that shit on lock. "You, me, and the speedboat they call Codzilla," he'd say. "You grab the champagne."

Everybody in Atlanta is being adorable except for Randy Jackson, who is lounging indolently in his ride whining. Mary J. Blige is there, looking gorgeous, and there are some lovely shots of Kara adoring her in the greenroom before it's time to start. They show all her videos and stuff, and I mean, I feel like this show is one long excuse to talk about Mary J because she comes up so much. I've had her explained to me multiple times but I still don't feel like I know much about her. Well, I know she's a wordsmith.

Without her -- you may be too young to remember this -- but before Mary J. Blige we didn't even have a word for danceries.

It was just like, you showed up, maybe a person started dancing, maybe they were drunk or something. And then if you felt like it, you could dance too. But nobody knew how to feel about it, and there was something uncomfortable about just dancing somewhere without warning, and some people thought it must be evil or else there would be a word for it, and that's what that movie Footloose is about.

I know that she's in a commercial for some kind of technology or credit card where she walks and walks and keeps having her futuristic clothing change on her, and then she has an iPod baby or something, but all I remember about that commercial is how dumb she looks and how something about filming of that commercial ended up making her look like the act of the catwalk itself was just a little too complicated for her. Really what I know is that she is awesome, and that she has gone through hell and become beautiful. Also, she is the only person I know of, besides myself, that actually believes we are in the Matrix.

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American Idol




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