American Idol
13th Worst Person Eliminated

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
When We Tell You That We Hate You

(We remember all the stupid things the Judges said last night, and also how Naima made weather, and it occurs to me that this episode is going to be about sending one of these kids home. Hell, maybe two. That would be pretty amazing, wouldn't it?)

Steven Tyler is wearing a giant blue leopard scarf, and inside his jacket it's secret Dalmatians; Jenny's dress has one balloon arm and one no-arm arm. Everybody's clothes are not interested in cooling it tonight.

A grinning tool has a Steven Tyler For President sign, and somebody I agree with gets lots of camera time on their sign, about how Ryan Seacrest is this person's American Idol. Well done, faceless hero.

Facts & Things
1. Tonight's musical guests will be Adam Lambert, and Diddy Dirty Money.
2. Casey is back in the hospital; seems like Ryan is going through the motions when he tells us to send him good vibes and that.
3. Also, they are doing the stupid Judges' Save thing this year.
4. Our first glimpse of the mansion in which these jerks get to live this year.

It's actually very gorgeous, and not stupid like I figured it would be. They all exhaustedly run around pretending to be overwhelmed and excited, even though they just feel tired. Lauren Picklers around and Karen looks a hard-livin' 44 years of age; Ashthon screams all the foods she can think of, Haley cries for no reason, Naima discovers the concept of measurements and Jacob discovers the echoes of the canyon. Still not done? Ashthon's giant ass is good for sliding down the stairs. Casey dips his hair in the pool, and it's cute.

I am so confused by the size of James Durbin in particular. Is it that everybody else is tiny, and he is normal or slightly larger than average? Because he laid down on a queen-sized bed just now, and you couldn't even see the bed. And in a second when they start singing shittily a Michael Jackson medley, Durbs and gigantic Lusk look about the same.

James puts his total ass into the dancing, I'll give him that. Stefano's still scampering around all over the place like a howler monkey, still hasn't chilled out. I think it really was permanent, what was done. Lauren is totally annoying, some more, eternally and forever, but Lusk is still doing great. Paul is, of course, a lurking goblin marionette.

It's to be presumed that they are lipsynching, no doubt, but then why do they sound super terrible while they are doing this? I don't care, I just want to keep watching James Durbin dance around some more. He is like the Brittany of this show. The 100% Bulletproof Total Commitment of these kids to the thing, that is worth thinking about. They are like seasoned soulless automatons with all these impassioned faces at the camera and hopping around like it's the Mickey Mouse Club. Was it always this cheesy and mean when they did this? So much of this show is learning the show all over again every year; I could have been grossed out by this any number of times. Maybe I'm just in a bad mood this week. Surely Dirty Diddy Money will help with that.

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American Idol




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