American Horror Story
Tricks and Treats

Episode Report Card
Joe R: A- | 4 USERS: A+
Tricks and Treats

After the break, we're in my least favorite place of all: Dr. Arden's dining room at home. He's got candles lit everywhere, and it looks like he's set up for a nice romantic dinner. With Sister Eunice perhaps? No, the blonde woman at the door in the leopard coat doesn't know "Stanley" at all. Prostitutes usually don't when they first come over. Arden is formal with her, but not stern. Not at first. She sees the dinner setup and kindly reminds him he only booked her for 90 minutes, but he's cool with that; he actually finds the anticipation far more erotic than the act itself. Siiiiigh, I'm going to have to spend this entire scene trying not to picture James Cromwell having sex, aren't I? The prostitute says she finds big cocks even more erotic, at which point Arden DOES get stern and says if she's going to be vulgar he'd just as soon she not speak at all. Okay! Parameters set! Arden plays some Chopin and pours some expensive cabernet, but the girl says she doesn't drink on the job (nor does she kiss on the mouth, because her favorite movie 26 years from now is Pretty Woman). She does offer to dance for him if he's got anything with a beat. Sigh. She just doesn't get it. Arden picks up his carving knife and orders her to sit down. He then starts carving the roast, which as you might have guessed, is rare as fuck. It's also almost certainly not meat from a cow, right? I'm not saying it's definitely human meat, but it's at least some creature he engineered in a lab that went wrong. He "idly" talks about how scary it must have been in her line of work to go out with a killer on the loose. "A great weight must have been lifted," he says, as he aggressively hacks into the roast, "and now you're safe." So, okay, yes, we're supposed to consider Dr. Arden as a possible Bloody Face. Got it.

Back at Briarcliff, it's the Greatest Hits of Exorcisms Past, including your favorites: Holy Water That Burns; Latin Incantations; and The Demon Speaking As Though It Were Your Dead Mother. In this case, it turns to Dr. Thredson and starts talking this mess about "I'm glad I gave you up." Oh, wait your turn, Oliver; we'll deal with your mommy issues some other episode. After some more greatest hits (Demon Suggests You Do Something Vulgar With That Crucifix You're Holding), it concentrates on Father Anspaugh, recites some obscure Bible verse, and sends him flying across the room.

The Monsignor heads downstairs to where Sister Jude and the Potters are praying. He informs the Potters their boy is fighting, but he asks if Sister Jude might join them upstairs. Seems they've had to take Father Anspaugh to the infirmary; he needs Sister Jude to watch over Jed from outside the door until they get back. So... babysitter? I guess that's progress. He warns her to pray and speak only to god, not the boy. But like the SECOND that Howard is gone, Jed starts screaming in a regular boy voice about how it's burning him. He's bleeding from his eyes and calling for his mommy. Not without compassion, Sister Jude runs into the room to try to help. Of course, the second she's at his bedside, the demon starts speaking, taunting her about being the smartest one in the room but with no real power, "because of that smelly clam between your legs." If you'll excuse me, I have to go write a term paper on the tendency of gay males to write the most disgustingly misogynist shit, under the cloak of shared ostracism. I don't care who wrote this episode, that line might as well have been signed onscreen by Ryan Murphy. Anyway, I'm back. The demon shit the door and taunts some more, about how she's a whore and probably "wearing red knickers right now." Neither here nor there, demon! He makes Jed grind his pelvis in her direction and say, "Put me in your mouth. Come on, you've had 53 cocks in there already." Also neither here nor... wait, 53? That's sixteen more than the girl in Clerks!

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American Horror Story




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