American Horror Story
The Replacements!

Episode Report Card
Joe R: N/A | 137 USERS: A
Where Everyone Would Love to Drown

After the break, Madison and Nan pay a neighborly visit next door, Nan armed with a cake, Madison armed with her rockin' bod in a tube dress. Hottie answers the door and introduces himself as Luke. Madison wastes no time informing him that she saw him without his shirt and is "interested in the rest of the package." Luke seems more enchanted (metaphorically ÔÇŽ for now) with the cake Nan brought, since it happens to be his favorite flavor. Madison can't believe she's losing out in the attention battle to Nan, and Luke just kind of smirks that she must be used to having all eyes on her. Nan informs him that she's Madison Montgomery: Famous Actress, but that doesn't mean much to Luke, since they don't have a TV nor attend movies. So. One of those.

On cue, then, comes Patti LuPone -- fine, her name is Joan. Joan thanks the girls for their gift of baked goods, but they are headed to church. Not even on a Sunday. Seeing the soft underbelly of faith, Madison lashes out, calling religion a "crock of shit" and encouraging to have his cake and eat it too, so to speak. Joan grabs Madison's wrist to keep her from cutting into the cake again -- they intend to share the cake with the congregation -- and in the struggle, the knife flies out of their hands and into the wall. Joan knows the devil when she sees it. She orders the girls to leave and to never again set foot in this house. As she stomps off, Madison sets the curtains on fire. Nan's like, "I didn't know you could do that." Madison mumbles that she didn't either until just now. Ah, see, in recognizing that firestarting is a separate power from telekinesis, AHS is already proving itself smarter than certain Carrie remakes I could mention.

Poor sad Cordelia. Poor sad Cordelia wants a baby. Poor sad Cordelia tried to conceive a baby through magic last week, and apparently that didn't even work, because her doctor is now telling her she can't conceive at all. Meanwhile, in another doctor's office, Fiona's plastic surgeon is telling her that she can't have elective surgery because her blood work is a horror show, and her immune system is in "some kind of freefall." Sounds like that old Simpsons episode where Mr. Burns was told he had contracted everything ("Hysterical pregnancy?" "A little bit, yes!").

Scary La La music returns us to Zoe and Kyle, as she drives him back to his home. Zoe's plan seems to be that once FrankenTwink sees his mom, he will remember his old life and stop being such a pre-verbal, growling monster. So she walks him up to his front door and basically leaves him there like a baby in a basket. She rings the doorbell and dashes off, leaving Mama Kyle to just about have a heart attack when she sees her undead boy on her front porch. She pulls him in as he looks back at Zoe.

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American Horror Story




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