American Horror Story
The Dead

Episode Report Card
Mindy Monez: B | 75 USERS: A-
YOU GRADE IT
The Dead

Blind seer Delia reaches new heights of glory in her meeting with Zoe. She takes her tea with flask booze now! She curses freely! She offers booze to minors with minimal supervision! She calls Zoe "one hot shit witch," which means she's got a bullseye on her back. If Fiona figures out how powerful Zoe is, she's toast just like Madison. Fiona tells Zoe she knows Fiona killed Madison, so if she even suspects that Zoe is next, Zoe is NEXT. Shaken, Zoe chugs Delia's flask as she takes in the news. But what to do? Delia: "We're going to kill my mother. Kill her once, kill her good, kill her dead." Now we're talkin'.

Zoe trudges upstairs, heavy with everything she's just learned, but when she opens the door to her bedroom, she gets another bomb lobbed at her. Kyle and Madison are trying to fill their undead voids with sex that up-against-the-wall sex people in movies love but that always looks like way too much work. Personally, I'd have kept trying with the food thing, but that's just me. And now, Zoe feels even shittier than she did before. Madison's kind of a pill.

Morning after at the Axeman's house. Fiona tries to go-go before waking him up, but he catches her in the act. They slyly flirt about the rotting dead body in the bathtub and how much they both hate cops, so they truly are meant for each other. Oh, also? The Axeman's been watching over Fiona since she was a small child. Fiona's like, excuse me?

Flashback to Miss Robichaux's and an eight-year-old Fiona being bullied by an awful older girl named Helen. She tries to coerce Fiona into dumping milk on her head, a kind of messier, witchier game of "stop hitting yourself," but the invisible Axeman comes to Fiona's aid by dropping a china hutch on Helen's head. At first, it was a fatherly love, but when Fiona entered her teen years and began walking around her bedroom topless, that of course changed. Everyone else only saw the "ruthless manipulator" but he saw her as "so, so much more." He fell in love. Fiona tries to tell him she doesn't believe in ghosts, which is pretty laughable considering her line of work. She allows a brief moment of passion and kisses him, but her intimacy issues quickly kick in and she slaps him and pushes him away. She awesomely makes him zip up her dress before she storms out of his life. For now.

Spalding wakes up tied to his bed in a hysterically funny chartreuse silk robe. He finds Zoe sitting across from him. She asks him how he feels, and he answers her "Fine," which means Spalding somehow got himself a tongue. That's weird! You see, Zoe found his still enchanted tongue in that storage closet where the spirit board was (that closet is like Mary Poppins' purse, I tells ya). It was still "wet" (ew) and "alive" (WHAT) due to Myrtle's enchantment. Myrtle kept the tongue after Spalding cut it off, but she was never "witch enough" to restore it. But Zoe is. She's one hot shit witch! She did a little spell, crammed it back into a knocked out Spalding's mouth, and now she wants the truth. His tongue cannot tell a lie. No, he did not kill Madison Montgomery. Yes, he knows who did. He fights it hard, but it was Fiona who killed Madison. He gives off shades of Russell Edgington as he goes on a defiant tirade about the wonders of Fiona and how he'll always serve her as his family has served this Coven for generations, but Zoe's drunk on power (and you know that will increasingly become a problem over the next episodes) and she's had enough. She stabs Spalding through the heart. "You're done talking." He looks pretty dead, but I'm assuming Fiona or even Misty will resurrect him. It seems criminal to keep Denis O'Hare from speaking all season and then kill him off after three minutes of dialogue, right?

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American Horror Story

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