American Horror Story
The Dead

Episode Report Card
Mindy Monez: B | 75 USERS: A-
YOU GRADE IT
The Dead

Speaking of Fiona, the Axeman is showing her into his apartment for a drunken hook-up. It's a dump, and he apologizes for that, but Fiona's happy with just a jazz record, a glass of bourbon and the prospect of male validation. He quotes As I Lay Dying and she recognizes the quote in that way that only people on TV do, which always makes me feel inferior. I can't remember book quotes with all these movie quotes and song lyrics and internet memes clogging up my brainwaves, people. He lights her cigarette and sweet talks her real good – "a celestial creature like yourself" is something that is actually said – and she excuses herself to the bathroom to get ready for some hot mess lovin'. Everything falls apart in the bathroom, as more of Fiona's hair falls out, and there are cockroaches in the sink and a bloody dead body in the bathtub. This is why you always insist on hosting one night stands at your place, ladies.

Fiona re-joins the party, and upon her arrival he patronizes the female gender's weak-ass taste in bourbon, which just makes me hate this character even more. The Axeman sucks, right? It's not just the jazz thing, though that is a huge problem. It's that this is such a boring addition to the season, especially considering the fact that they have Angela Bassett at their disposal and yet, Marie Laveau has been a completely sidelined character so far. But here we are, listening to the Axeman prattle on about jazz, bourbon and his generalizations about women all over again. I get that Fiona needs a truly awful person to align with for the final battle, but that person couldn't have been someone else?

Fiona impulsively kisses him, but as she does she notices that another clump of hair falls out and she loses her confidence. She lashes out and insults his roach-infested shithole and tries to bail, but he pulls a last ditch effort to make her stay, hilariously offering that this isn't just a one night stand – it could be their destiny! Haha. That only works on 16-year-old girls who don't know better, buddy. Fiona's heard it all before. Fiona pulls the it's-not-you-it's-me card, calling herself a "wretched human being" and, in one of the best line deliveries of the season, "a miserable goddamn bitch." She's destroyed every relationship she's ever had, and to Fiona, if her hair falling out has zapped the sexy from her, then this isn't even worth doing. She's like Madison in that way -- short-term passion and instant gratification is what she craves, but anything more enduring than that feels anathema to her. The Axeman's got her number, and switches focus from love to sex, and it works like a charm. Fiona's in. She gets all giggly and girly and lean-y as he tells her how his saxophone skills are very transferrable to sex – I get it, guy -- and they have passionate drunk jazz sex. I never thought I'd actually wish for a television character to have a deadly vagina, but I sure do right now.

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American Horror Story

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