Ally McBeal
Two’s A Crowd

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You'll never believe this, but...

It all started with a voice-over. Ally explains how she came to start dating an older guy. He's her client, a normal-looking fifty-something-year-old man. They're finalizing some paperwork, and Ally asks him a bunch of stupid questions about his life-embracing smile. "I'm not sure why," she voices over, "but I wanted some of what he had inside him." Even though they're always talking about penises on this show, it didn't seem like Ally meant semen when she said that. I couldn't be absolutely certain, though. The man asks Ally to dinner. Her voice-over says, "I accepted my very first date with an old person." Way to kick off another shallow episode, people. Give yourselves a pat on what must be a thin, taut, smooth-skinned back.

Ally walks down the street and voice-over babbles about how she's in her thirties, and men are picking up on the fact that she wants a date, and blah blah. Some guy bumps into her and then asks her out. He's wearing glasses, though, so I think that means he doesn't merit Ally's notice. Maybe if he'd insulted her he would have had a chance. Ally says she needs to buy a new dress for her date. The guitar indicates that this was supposed to be funny.

Ling is meeting with a client who seems to be a perfectly normal-looking woman in her forties. Her name is Wanda Spickett, and she wants to sue a Ph.D.-carrying "relationship guru" for causing her divorce. I put on my Kelley Vision Spex so I can see how Wanda will do with her case. Hmm. Wanda's not thin, she has a few lines under her eyes, and her blouse isn't tight. Translation: she's a dog who deserves to be humiliated. She doesn't have a baby voice, either. She has a loud Northeastern accent. Maybe she should just die. Wanda complains that she followed all the relationship advice the doctor gave at the seminar, and her husband still left her. Nelle walks in and listens as Wanda relates the advice the doctor gave. It was that women should be submissive, greeting their husbands at the door with slippers and fellatio. Wanda says that her husband compared receiving fellatio from her to "walking a high wire," because either way, he didn't want to be looking down. I don't get it. That can't mean that he doesn't want to look at Wanda's face, because he has to do that all the time if he's married to her, right? Maybe it means that the sight of his own penis disgusts him. That's all I can figure out. Ling asks her client, "Are you sure he didn't leave you just for being unattractive?" Wanda and Nelle look at Ling in shock for less than a second. Then, instead of saying, "You're fired, you rude, unprofessional excuse for an attorney," Wanda says, "It was the putrid advice I got from that guru. I want to sue her." And there you have the setup for the Case O' The Week.

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Ally McBeal




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