Ally McBeal
'Tis The Season

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Jingle Bells, This Show Smells

The first thing we see is that Ally has forced Larry to purchase a Christmas tree early because she just lo-o-oves Christmas. Larry says he's always hated it. Ally makes a big stink until he explains that it's because he's always alone on the holiday. She reminds him that he won't be alone this year and then she covers his face with her glove, which is probably soaking with her saliva, and kisses him while he hauls her fir across the busy street.

At the Fish & Cage morning meeting, John explains the latest case. He and Ling will be representing Kendall Stevens in his wrongful termination suit against WKGB news. Mr. Stevens said on-air that there was no Santa Claus, so he got fired. During this plot set-up, John says something about the "titty shows" that Richard watches. Ally, who looks a lot like Shelly Duval in this scene, freaks out over the fact that the client denounced Santa on TV. Nelle goes off on a diatribe about Santa Claus being an alcoholic and a pedophile. I wonder if she has issues stemming from childhood trauma. John reminds Nelle that she loved jolly old St. Nick the year before. Nelle says, "He was in last year, now he's out." And so is Nelle's Tootsie blouse, but I don't see anyone freaking out about that. In case you didn't pick up on it this week, Nelle is an uptight, man-hating, shallow ice queen bitch, etc., etc.

Ally finds Larry in the F&C lobby. They kiss until Elaine whacks Ally on the head with a sheaf of paperwork. Ally goes after her to see what's wrong. Richard walks up and asks Larry whether he's slept with Ally yet; he asks because he needs his lawyers "hungry" and "ornery" and is therefore concerned about Ally "being satiated in any way." Larry blows him off.

In the conference room, Elaine admits to Ally that she's violently annoyed by the couples that surround her. She feels depressed around the holidays. She watches sappy television, then gets depressed and has a drink: "And the next thing I know, I'm at some bar with some total stranger, offering up my vagina." I have several things to say about this. One: did she mean "some" bar or The Bar? Two: remember last week I told y'all they were going to start saying "vagina" all the time? Three: I feel sorry for Elaine, but she still needs to wash all the conditioner and styling products out of her hair. She should probably put on a bra, too. Larry appears in the doorway and asks Elaine whether she likes music. Playing his piano and singing help him when he's depressed. Singing only works for Elaine when an audience and applause come along with it. She says that The Bar's management doesn't let her sing because she makes it all about herself. I guess that means that she doesn't choose lyrics that relate to Ally's current relationship status. Putting his hands on Elaine's shoulders, Larry tells her to find a song that will make her happy. He'll make sure she gets to sing it on stage. She thanks him and runs off. Ally's jealous because Larry paid some attention to a woman who wasn't her. Then she asks why he doesn't like Christmas. He says he already told her. Don't worry -- I'm sure she'll ask him again and again later on.

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Ally McBeal

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