Ally McBeal
The Wedding

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Do a Little Dance, Kill a Little Baby

Previously on Ally McBeal: Ally and Larry broke up but, more importantly, Ally whined about it.

The season finale begins with a flashback of a totally contrived metaphorical scene in which Little Ally brings a decapitated Ken doll to her mother. Jill Clayburgh -- in a face-framing layered haircut which is supposed to hide her age but doesn't -- tells Ally that they just don't make the men as strong as the women. She throws the Ken doll into the trash, saying they'll get Ally another one. Whatever.

Ally lies in bed with her eyes like black marbles and a fuckload of salmon gloss on her inflatable lips. "Never, never, never gonna get married," we hear an annoying male voice sing. Ally sits up and sees the dancing baby, singing in a tuxedo coat and top hat, at the foot of her bed. She throws a shoe at it. It makes a sound like an electrical failing and turns into a transparent cherub, making bird noises as it flies up into the air. Here's where it gets sicker than usual. Ally says, "Aw, what a sweet little birdie. Come on over here. Come on, let me pet you, little birdie." She reaches for a tennis racket that just happens to be under her bed. "Let me kiss you," she says, preparing to hit the baby, which has by now flown near. Uh -- are we really supposed to feel sorry that Ally doesn't have children of her own at this point? When she swings at the baby, it turns into a dragon or a gargoyle or something. Ally yells like the maniac she is. Her mom runs in and tries to be concerned and consoling. Ally does the teenage rejection-of- your-own-parents thing that is so, so endearingly cute every single time she's done it ever since she turned twelve years old -- I mean, it's not tired as hell and it never gets stale. (P.S. I am being sarcastic. Get it?) Jill Clayburgh leaves the room and ominous chords play as Ally hits the racket against her hand, looking in the direction her mother just exited. I don't think it was supposed to look like Ally wanted to kill her mom, but it kind of did. I'm not surprised by any violent thing she does anymore.

Morning meeting. Richard introduces Jane Wilco, his new assistant. She flounces in wearing a red halter dress with built-in fake flower accessory. Jane is back to her "natural" hair, but it's now permed and more dirty-colored. She tells everyone that she's really an actress and that Richard has told her the staff is nice and forgiving of any mistakes she might make. Ling makes the growling noise, and everyone else stares at Jane with slightly raised brows of disdain. Jane flounces back out again and Ling asks what skillz she has. "Warmth. We've decided you can't do it alone, Ling," says John. And, yeah, that's kind of funny, but I didn't realize that the staff was there to provide warmth for John. Maybe he should try to develop a personal life or something. Richard moves on, trying to assign a case -- Wyatt vs. Mason -- to Ally. She whines, wanting to know why he's giving it to her. Um, how about "because I pay you to do work here, bitch"? Is that a good reason? That's what Richard should have said. Instead, he says something about distracting her from her break-up with Larry. Ally hallucinates that Billy is standing in Richard's place saying, "Who do you think you're fooling?" Then she hallucinates that Jackson is singing "You've Got a Friend." I hate season finales full of hallucinated songs, don't you? Elaine comes in and tells Ally that her ten-o'clock is there. Ally sees Elaine wearing mourning clothes. "Why are you dressed like that?" Ally asks Elaine. "Like what?" Elaine says, taking the opportunity to feel the '70s-print polyester that now drapes her breasts. Ally tells Elaine to forget it, and I gladly do so.

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Ally McBeal

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