Ally McBeal
The New Day

Episode Report Card
Alex Richmond: F | Grade It Now!
Ally's a Mom, John Is Gone

Okay, the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show is on this week, and I can't even tell you how hard it was to turn the channel when my VCR kicked on at nine. There's cute, wiggly doggies running around Madison Square Garden trying to win that shiny cup, and I have to turn the channel to tape Ally McBeal? My dog, who loves to see other dogs on television, hates me now. It made me want to ban Sorkin. But I have a job to do. And the Dog Show is on for two more days, so....

Previously: did you know a good groomer can carve a good-looking dog out of hair? I mean...Ally got a daughter, Maddie, by the random act of one of her eggs being harvested at a fertility clinic some ten years earlier. Ally poached the daughter from aunt Bonnie Boone. Reeeally nice name there, Bonnie. Ally was "forced" to "hire" Jon Bon Jovi to replace all the pipes in her house. Which he does alone, when she's at work, I guess, because we never see the guy get dusty or with tools in his hand. And is he "married," or "bonded"? Yeah, he's bonded. Ally always knew her genetic daughter was "out there," though she knows it sounds "crazy." JBJ asked if Kid wanted to live with Ally. Kid had a "good feeling" about Ally. Run, Kid. Run.

An aerial shot of Boston morphs into Vonda singing "Gimme Gimme Good Lovin'" in the bar. Gimme gimme some earplugs, hey, right about now. Richard and Nelle sit at a table. Richard says that John has left, again, to go to Mexico for a vacation, and that he's leaving the firm: "As of now, he's a part-time Biscuit." Nelle is shocked. Shocked.

We leave the bar and join Ally in an office. She's grilling a woman about the current school semester into which Kid will have to dive, midway through. Ally has a lengthy "Maddie School Checklist." She starts checking and asking more questions. Like, are there school uniforms? No? Had the woman considered uniforms? Ally read a study once....

We break-neck back over to the bar, where Nelle asks what the firm will be called now: "'Fish'?" Richard brushes her off and says everything will be fine. Ray and Glenn sit down at their table with beers. Glenn expresses surprise that "the little guy is gone." Nelle cocks an eyebrow, and it's really a test of her professionalism as she reads this line: "Oh, he's not little." Glenn just says, "Big, then."

Ally and the principal have a few blurry-fast rounds of verbal boxing over the school's policies on bees, mail, bomb-sniffing dogs, classroom size, elitism, and put-downs. The camera zooms in very tightly on each woman's mouth. The principal smiles tightly; Ally purses her lips. Then, finally, we land on JBJ's mouth, as he says, "I think you pushed too hard." Ally wheels around; she's in her kitchen now, and asks what she's supposed to do when her "child dies -- just shrug and say 'them's [sic] the breaks'?" JBJ asks if Ally intends to be "a total nightmare." She gives the reading some menace: "You have no...idea."

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Ally McBeal




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