Ally McBeal
The Musical, Almost

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The Musical, Almost

The season finale starts with Ally introducing Brian Selig to her parents. She's stuttering like a maniac. Her dad makes the fake growling noises so Ally gets nervous and starts doing to most annoying giggle I've ever heard from her in my whole recapping career. Vonda sings, "Baby, you're falling in love." The four of them walk to some restaurant.

Instead of the usual theme song sung by Vonda, we're "treated" to a rendition sung by the entire cast. They sound awful. In fact, midway through it becomes Renee and Elaine only. Too little, too late -- my ears are already oozing blood. The opening credits are backed by clips of musical numbers from this season and last. Whoop-dee-doo.

Some guy is being John's therapist in what looks like Tracy's office. Guess what John's bitching about. That's right! His birthday! My question: is there anyone who obsesses over birthdays as much as the lawyers of Fish & Cage? Eat some cake, drink some margaritas, and get over it, you sissies! John's whining that he's 36 (Hello, operator? I'd like to place a person-to-person call through the NOT!line...) and he has nothing to show for it -- no wife, two-point-five kids -- none of that. His therapist points out that he has friends throwing him a party. John says Elaine only planned the party so she could sing. He says that except for Richard, all his friends work for him. Yeah, good point. They only like you because you have the power to fire them, John. Face it. John says he walks around "muttering 'balls, balls, balls.' [He's] become a little curmudgeon toad." That's right, John. But don't forget, you're also David E. Kelley's offensive mouthpiece. That's gotta count for something, right?

At the Institute for Fashion Design, Merchandising, and Law, Nelle is moaning to Redhead Navel Girl that she didn't really want to leave Fish & Cage. Red's like, "Uh, you could have fooled me..." Nelle's hair is down, showing us that she's feminine and vulnerable as she prepares to fawn to the powerful men and get kicked in the teeth. Red says she let Richard "go down on [her] button." Because that wasn't gratuitous enough, Nelle sits down and starts talking about her traumatic childhood. We don't get to hear her words, though. You're relieved, right? Well, don't be. We don't hear her because Renee's singing. "She's gonna tell you 'bout her dear old mother, burned up in a factory in Springfield, Mass.," sings Renee. Huh? Then we cut to John blathering to his therapist, and Renee sings, "He's gonna tell you 'bout his baby brother, hustlin' down the streets, sellin' his ass." HUH? Then we see Renee in all her tight-bloused, blue-eye-shadowed glory, singing at The Bar. "He's got the blues! She's got the blues! Blah, blah, blah!" She's smiling her face off and I notice for the first time the gap between her two front teeth. The rest of the firm (except Ally) is sitting right in front of the stage listening.

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Ally McBeal




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