Ally McBeal
One Hundred Tears

Episode Report Card
Alex Richmond: D+ | Grade It Now!
One Hundred Yawns

Previously on Ally McBeal: Ally saw Jon Bon Jovi and stammered. He said he has to "bring her electricity up to code," and that he'll be "working in her basement." Kimmy Bishop paid a matchmaker $23,000 (yowsa!) to find her a mate, and was pronounced "unmatchable." Nell Carter, matchmaker, said she "loves challenges," and that she'd love to fix up the Biscuit. Jon Bon Jovi was all, I'm going to be working on your house again, some more. Ally stammered in approval again, some more.

Ally and Elaine walk the "streets" of "Boston." Elaine has a great red coat on, with va-va-voomy black stiletto boots. Ally has a vintage-looking belted purple coat, pants, and very childlike, oversized gloves. Elaine is asking why she needs to go to court with Ally. Ally says it's because she's meeting with a criminal, and that she's scared of criminals. And of everything else, too, but let's not split hairs. Elaine sees a batch of workmen working, leers, grabs Ally's hand, and stops in her tracks. I guess Elaine can't walk when her juices are flowing. Elaine is all, "That is hot." The workmen work on, oblivious. Ally and Elaine morph into herding dogs, then roll over and whine on the sidewalk. Oh, boy. DEK, did you not hear the discussion on the boards? Movers and bicycle messengers are hot. Contractors and construction workers, not. It's a rule. The women walk by, and Elaine babbles on about how "desperate" she is, and that she just hired Kimmy's matchmaker, as did both Richard and Corretta. Ally flashes back to when she and Billy were kids, and she sniffed his butt. On auto-pilot and leading with her nose, she walks over to Jon Bon Jovi's butt and takes a deep whiff. Then, she gasps, covers her face with her giant gloves, and rushes over to Elaine, who is gleefully shocked at Ally's bizarre, neurotic boldness. Ally asks that Elaine tell no one. JBJ straightens up and asks if he can smell Ally's butt now. Oh, what a zingy, witty courtship they have going. Please, just go do it already. Thank you.

Vonda's been doooown, she's been down, down, down....

Aerial shot of Boston, DRINK! Finally, the credits make sense. JBJ is a "special" guest star, Nell Carter right behind as a guest star, and Albert Hall gets third billing. Okay. Ally and Elaine land in the courthouse's holding cell, and the guard lets them a barred room containing Frank from Murphy Brown. Elaine and Ally are jumpy and skittish. Ally looks at Frank, and the music swells angelically. He smiles with the warmth of a thousand suns. She's all, do I know you? He's all, no, "but thank God you're here!" Ally's all, since your trial starts today, I'd better not jump in, and I'm not a criminal lawyer. He says he saw her in arraignment, got "a picture book of all the lawyers," and tracked her down. Because "the other lawyers don't get it." And, Ally can fly. He knew it the minute he saw her. Sure, yeah. Ally looks at him nuttily. But she's into it. This is so Melrosian.

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Ally McBeal




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