Ally McBeal
Lost And Found

Episode Report Card
Alex Richmond: C- | Grade It Now!
Ally's Lost, John's Found

Previously, Fish gleaned that John was "really gone" because his hole was empty. Fish told Ally John was gone. Nelle was concerned that John was gone. Jenny told Ray that the "field is open" for them to date, and plus it would give Glenn a free pass to use on Ally. Glenn asked Ally out, and she said no "out of maturity." HA!

Oh lord, Vonda's singing "Tell Him," a chestnut so hoary it makes old episodes of Law and Order seem vibrant and fresh. Vonda singing "Tell Him" is like seeing Robert Redford on the big screen again, or Bon Jovi at the VH1 "music" "awards." Like, shouldn't they be retired by now? Or, ew, again? Anyway, we speed over an aerial shot of Boston (drink!) and finally land in El Shrinkador's office, where he is busting on Ally for going out with "Abercrombie and Fitchie boy" Glenn. Wasn't he urging this pairing before? In this scene, Ally is sporting non-scary fashion, wearing knee-high black boots, a black mini, and a cream crew-neck sweater, maybe cashmere. And the hair? Just a little bit frightening. Wow, we've made progress! But this is just the teaser. I can't get my hopes up. Anyway, Ally protests her shrink's teasing, and he says he's surprised to see her "predisposed towards fun." But she hasn't said how the date went yet. At the bar, they danced to "Turn the Beat Around," Vonda-style. Ally was "really going." And "this was the problem." She fiddles with her only-slightly-scary hair as we flash back to the bar, and see Ally wiggling madly in a pretty dress. See, when she dances, she gets "worked up." Or, as the doc creepily says, "hhhott." Oh, he is SO fired. Ally says, "sizzling." Ew, they're on the same sticky page. Ally says it really got bad at "that part" of the song. "That part"? She begins, with feeling: "When the guitar player starts playing with the syncopated rhythm, with the scratch, scratch, scratch, makes me wanna move my body, yeah, yeah, yeah." El Shrink, on cue, adds, "And when the drummer starts drumming that beat, he nails that beat with the syncopated rhythm, with a rat tat," "tat tat," "tat tat on the drums." They both get it. We see Ally back her child-sized caboose into Glenn's undulating lap. Does everyone get it now? So, the band plays, and we're in Ally's apartment, where she and Glenn kiss and fondle and undo some pieces of clothing until the song ends on a triumphant "yeah!" Then Ally pulls back and says, "No. It's too soon." The doc says, for some reason, "Thank god." Is he kidding? Glenn "accepts it," and leaves. Ally wonders if Glenn will think her to be a "penis teaser." Yeah. The doc says that since Glenn probably thought he had it in the bag, now he feels "rebuffed," and that Ally should "go to him" and "tend to his need." You mean his penis? Because men, or Glenn, need to know when the day of "carnal togetherness" is "coming," because if they don't know it's coming, they will "move on." Unless that's what Ally wants! Ally, what do you want? Her head snaps up. No expression.

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Ally McBeal




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