Ally McBeal
Home Again

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Gwen: F | 1 USERS: A+
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Horndoggedness Failing Us All

Previously on Ally McBeal: Ally hallucinated and whined. In case you forgot the first thousand times they told us, John and Richard went to L.A. Also, Larry hired that new chick, and Ally whined some more.

Ally's on an operating table and we see surgeons working on her heart. "Wait a minute -- this heart's been broken. This heart's been destroyed! I can't fix that!" the surgeon yells, before throwing the fake heart into the trash. Ally wakes up, gasping, with Larry snoozing next to her, and we see exactly why her heart's been broken. It's because she wears ugly blue sweatshirts with sequins sewn on the little triangle under the neck.

"It was a dream, Ally," says Renee. Ally weirdly points three of her fingers at Renee's face as she explains that something weird happened at dinner with Larry the night before. He kept staring at her as she ate dessert. Yeah, it is pretty weird that she ate dessert, isn't it?

Larry explains to his new associate (what the hell is this woman's name?) that he'd tried to have an engagement ring put into Ally's blueberry cobbler, but that the jeweled dessert had gone to the wrong table, instead. It had gone to the table of a man breaking up with his girlfriend, and Larry considers that an omen. As a freakily superstitious person, I have to say that I agree. I think it's an omen portending that this episode will suck more than usual. Dread fills me. Corretta (I found out that was her name later, but I'm going to save myself time and use it now) says that she thought the proposal idea was corny, but that a couple named "Ally and Larry" should be expected to do corny things. Heh. Word. Larry asks Corretta to cancel his lunch with Ally. Then Gail O'Grady walks in and greets Larry. She's playing the role of his ex-wife, Helena. She and Larry leave for lunch. Corretta is properly surprised and annoyed at these circumstances, which are bound to end in grief or at least a poor attempt at physical comedy.

We see a scene of an airplane fade into a scene of Richard exiting a taxi in nasty tan leather pants. We learn that he's gone back to L.A. to help Jane (Alexandra Holden -- remember?) with some pesky nude photos she did that are about to be published in "Maximum." She thought she was posing for them as test shots for a movie. She signed a contract that gave the photographer the right to use them as he pleased. If her father sees them in the magazine, he'll kill her. Yeah, and I'll bet if her father sees her in the platinum blonde, obvious as hell wig she's wearing in this episode, he won't even recognize her. What the hell? I can't decide what's worse -- the wig which is so, so Frederick's of Hollywood, or the fuchsia vinyl strap she's using for a necklace. Richard, of course, has to see the photos. Jane pretends to demur for a couple of seconds but then acts shy and coy while Richard's tongue CGIs out of his mouth. He declares that the pictures are tasteful, since "they don't show George W." It's crass and shouldn't be funny, but I give the line half a smile because I'm so bitter about the idiot's election. Richard says that he'll schedule an immediate conjunction hearing, declare the pics unconstitutional, and scare off Maximum with threats of "punatory" damages. But first he'll call John.

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Ally McBeal

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