Ally McBeal
Heat Wave

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Heat Wave

Reesa is rehashing episode one yet again, this time for Renee and Whipper's benefits. They seem to be rather ashamed of Ally's behavior, but I thought Renee knew all of that stuff that went down. Anyway, Ally tries to butt in but they tell her to shut up as Reesa says that her therapist told her she might never get over it. Renee pulls on her shirt a few times so that we remember she has cleavage. Renee offers that Ally was just looking out for Reesa's best interests. Reesa says she isn't so sure anymore. "Reesa!" Ally shouts. "Ally!" Renee and Whipper shout back. Ally sucks her lips into her mouth so that her mouth is completely full and she can't say anything else. Okay, so Reesa recaps for us that Ally slept with him, told the entire audience into the minister's microphone that she slept with him, and then waited until they made up to break it up again by telling Reesa that Joel was the best lover she ever had. But we all read Gwen's recap, didn't we? So we don't need to hear all of this again. The Whipper wipes her nose in grief and for a second I'm worried it will fall off from all the plastic surgery. It doesn't and Ally gives her a mean LTR. Reesa says she wishes she had gone through with the wedding. It's okay that he had a last fling because (remember) she had one too. But she just couldn't go through with it after the things that Ally had just said to her. Whipper gives a big ol' honkin' of her nose as Ally and Renee give her a vicious LTR and shout "Whipper!"

Richard and John are watching Sally at her desk from the second floor. Richard holds binoculars to get a closer look at Sally's cleavage, but it really isn't necessary. Richard says that she'd be good to spank as John starts Porky Pigging out. Richard mentions that Sally will have to sign a sexual harassment waiver. Ling interrupts to talk to Richard. He picks up his coffee cup and starts taking a drink. He asks if she can state it quickly. She says, "I guess. I've been faking my orgasms." Richard does the Spit Take to End All Spit Takes and shoots so much coffee onto John's face that it re-foams on his nose and looks like someone delicately poured a cappuccino onto his face. "Bygones." That word worked, too, because as John watches them walk away the foam is gone. Close up on John as the wacky oboe kicks in. Oh, the foam is back. My bad. Oh, it's gone. That's because John is now looking through the binoculars at Sally's cleavage.

"How could you be faking it?" Richard asks Ling. She tells him not to take it personally, and that she only fakes them so he will roll off and she can get some sleep. I just want to state here that this is obviously a male fantasy script. He asks if she's sexually satisfied. She says she is very satisfied sexually; it's just that he's not always there at the time. "So, you, uh?" "Sometimes." As if he wouldn't know if she did that. How could that be a big secret? We all do that. We all do it. All of us. You can't always be there and sometimes when you are it's terribly inconvenient and we'd rather spent quality time alone. Okay? Not earth-shattering news. But enough about me. We're talking about what David E. Kelley wants in a woman. Ling asks Richard to stop taking Viagra. "First of all, you don't need it. And second, I think it desensitizes you. Where you might be happy to go all night, but for me, after ten minutes, it gets old." Okay, first of all, if you are taking Viagra and you don't need it, then there's a problem. Second, if you are taking Viagra because you can't go longer than ten minutes, then there's a problem. Third, if you are taking Viagra just for kicks and grins, then there's a problem. Fourth, if a woman tells you she doesn't want to have sex for more than ten minutes, then she's a liar and is still thinking about humping Ally. He asks again why she fakes it. Ling says that they both know that their sex is all about his climax (Fifth problem) and that since they live in New England he should be a "Minuteman" again. "It's colonial!" There's a slogan for you. She gives him a chaste kiss on the forehead and says she'll take care of herself as the forlorn impotent oboe takes us to a commercial break.

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Ally McBeal

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