Ally McBeal
Heat Wave

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Mad props to my boy Trejo who saved my ass this week when my VCR taped a full hour of Resident Evil Nemesis instead of Ally McBeal. Although he just happened to tape it, he wants us all to know that he never, ever watches the show.

Now, on to the good stuff. Because this was a tape someone was making for himself/his girlfriend, it is missing the first three seconds. So for the sake of argument, let's just say that Ling walked into Richard's office. At least, that's where this tape starts. Ling is wearing her hair in these flippy pigtails that I sometimes wear but get teased for. She has on red vinyl pants and high-heeled black shoes. Her unitard top screams "Off Off Broadway." She asks Richard if they could talk for a second when he gets an emergency call and has to go. She asks to talk again when an alarm goes off in the building and he prepares to evacuate. Ling doesn't get upset or nervous about bombs or fires because she already knows what's going on. She waits for Richard to get off the phone, picks up a conveniently placed megaphone and sets off the alarm again with "Can we talk?" She complains that every time she tries to have a conversation with him his escape traps set off -- the mother of which being the mere whisper of the word "marriage." Richard mutters and mumbles his way out of the office as Ling covers her ears, not so much because of the alarms, but rather because she knows Vonda is about to start crowing around about roads and souls.

Hey, how come Portia and Lucy are after Vonda on the opening credits? What's up with that?

We open with a large phallic symbol building as we pan over to the law office. Richard asks Billy when the next meeting is. Billy says he won't be bringing Richard to any more meetings. "They like me," Richard insists. Richard gives Ally the season premiere recap because Reesa is out in the other room. Remember tramping around, Ally? Yeah? Well, she's suing you. The writers thought we wouldn't mind you sleeping around with soon-to-be-married men and then ruining a wedding, and now they are trying to make amends. Ling tries to talk to Richard again, but he says he's too busy so she dragon growls and walks off as Reesa approaches Ally. At first Ally sees Reesa in this wedding gown thing, but it's really just her "I'm a preppie" cardigan tied around her shoulders. Reesa is suing Ally for "intentional infliction of emotional distress." "Hello," Ally says to a passerby who ignores her.

We all ignore her as we go into the Unisex where Ally is going on about how this isn't possible. Billy reminds her that she did ruin Reesa's wedding. "I was there," Ling says, "You were vicious." Ally tries to get away with that "the minister said if anyone has any reason" crap that I didn't buy in the first episode. I mean, come on. If there's one place you shouldn't put yourself first, it's a wedding, and since Ally can only think of two things -- herself and the car wash sex -- she had to break the wedding up. My thought is then immediately echoed by Nelle who asks Ally if she broke up the wedding because it was about "the best sex of [her] life." Ally CGI's into a giant red steaming ball complete with steam engine whistle as she asks, "Excuse me?" Nelle says that John told her that and Ally interrupts her to shut her up as if she hadn't asked that rude "spanking" question in the last episode. Richard offers to be a witness. Ling pitches in as well, while leaning into Ally's ear and whispering, "Vicious." "Kiss her again!" come the screams of thousands of teenage boys. Ally is fellating her finger as John offers her advice, but no one is listening because they hear a flushing sound. Everyone turns around to see a girl walk out of the stall. Suddenly Georgia is standing there because she needs to be in this scene, but she wasn't here for any of the previous dialogue. Georgia stands next to Billy so she can give her patented incredulous face as the new girl is introduced as Billy's assistant. Accent on the "ass." Her name is Sally, and ass -- sorry, as she pulls toilet paper off the heel of her shoe she laughs and says she'll have to get used to this whole unisex thing. She shouldn't worry, as they've all been in there for five minutes or so and she must have been in a Zen-like peeing state to urinate without a noise and without hearing the people chatting in the bathroom. She'll do just fine. We zoom into Georgia's "I'm gonna kill this new bitch" eyes and Sally's face morphs into Billy asking "What?"

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Ally McBeal

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