Ally McBeal
Boy Next Door

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Pamie: D | 2 USERS: A-
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Boy Next Door

Previously: John thought Nelle was a bitch. Nelle thought John was a freak. Billy saw a doctor about his hallucinations. Billy told Georgia that he had a brain tumor. Man, I miss one episode and I'm all out of the loop.

Billy is breaking the news to Ally in her office. She asks if it's in his head. He tells her that no; it's in his ass. "I have a brain tumor in my ass," he repeats for "comic effect." This is the "light-hearted" portion of the show. Ally asks if he's going to get it removed. He's going in for more tests. He said he wanted to tell her personally: "You know, you probably helped bring it on. Kidding." Ally isn't fazed. She asks if he's going to die. "Well, huh. No. I'm not gonna die. They think it's benign, but it's just, you know..." "A brain tumor." "Yeah."

The opening credits are so fierce after this quiet brain tumor scene that I actually jump. I thought the cats were fighting outside. That Vonda needs a muffler.

Minutes later, Elaine wiggles up to Ally and asks, with a grin, if she had heard about Billy's brain tumor. Ally asks Elaine to not be so excited about it. Elaine tries to go on, but Ally shushes her. Ally joins the others in a meeting. Richard asks where John is and Nelle snaps that he should be there. People give her looks. Richard starts with Billy's brain tumor. He says that people should give him support and just treat him normally and that he would want it that way. Then he says that he's talking about him like he's "already dead" and continues to stammer and "bygones" until Billy interrupts to tell him to calm down. He says it could be nothing: "I'm going in for some more tests. When I know..." He looks at Nelle and her breasts enlarge from inside her blue shirt and droop down onto the table. I'm not kidding. "...more," Billy continues, and his excitement on "more" gets Ally's attention. And my eye-rolling. He continues to stare at Nelle and she begins growling and wiggling for him. A computer tongue snaps out of her mouth and wraps itself around Billy's head and pulls him to her breasts. Suddenly things are back to normal and everyone is staring at Billy, except for Nelle, who is alternately staring at Billy and her breasts. The thirteen-year-old kid from downstairs calls me and asks how he can "get me one of them brain tumors like that guy." Billy excuses himself from the table. And Ling comes in with the cap: "I hope he's not gonna milk this." Thank you, ladies and gentlemen! Try the veal. She'll be here all week. Richard brings up this episode's court case. Ally says it's an annulment case. Richard asks if Billy is first chair on the case. She says he is. "Do you think that's wise, Ally, with the tumor and thing?" Richard asks, with hands over his head to give the International Sign for Brain Tumor. Ally sees nothing wrong with having Billy on the case. She says she'll talk to him, though. This is done with stammering and staring, but that's the beauty of your getting to read the recap instead of actually watching the show. My loss, your gain.

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Ally McBeal

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